keeping the bed warm

Not long now

I feel absolutely rotten. My glands have been massively swollen for days and they're getting worse not better.
This is not good as I am about to face an extremely hard week with two exams which I couldn't be less prepared for.
I'm on the verge of complete and utter panic over them, if I think about it too much I could quite possibly have a nervous breakdown. I hope the Cold War exam will be okay...I just need to go through everything today. At least in that exam I'll have sources to guide me. In the Vietnam one on Friday...I'm going to be lost. I think I could spend a good portion of that exam crying and wondering how to even start the 8 page essay I have to write in 1 1/4 hours. It's impossible. Absolutely impossible.
All I want to do it go to bed. I am so very tired, and my head is throbbing. It aches all over...I ache all over.
Argh! I should have been listening to mum, I should have gotten more sleep recently and worked more. I feel so unwell. I've been putting a lot of it down to hay fever but now it's gone beyond that and I realise my streaming eyes and running nose are the signs of a very bad cold and not too much pollen.

I'll stop complaining...I just...hurt. I'll go and take some paracetamol in a second. Parrots eat em all.

I've been thinking about what I can do with my big art book Kate stole for me from the art department. I've decided I'll start the first few pages with a scrapbook style of stuff from New York. I have numerous photos which are more arty blurs of colour than any definitive, so I think I'll go for the all out colourful look. *laughs slightly* And I've got my boarding pass and MOMA ticket and maps etc.

I am currently unable to forgive myself for something...
I realised the day I got back from NY that I'd forgotten Anna's anniversary. It's been 5 years...I guess maybe I think that's enough mourning now I can forget her. I hate myself for it...I haven't said anything to anyone. I haven't tried to contact Dessy or email Lis and say I'm thinking of her. I haven't mentioned her at all, even after realising. A few days ago I tried to log into the email folder Lis had on yahoo with Anna's pictures in. It's been deleted due to inactivity. It's like...we've forgotten her. But we haven't, I haven't. I just wanted to see those pictures...my ones got deleted with the old computer like everything else from my old life did. Like all those emails from everyone I had, my sole thing from Anna to me that I had after she died...all deleted when I didn't pay another.com for resubscription to my account cause I was in Ireland at the time and forgot.

I hate losing things like that...it's utterly devestating because you can never get them back. It was all such a massive part of my life, that completely changed me and affected me to no end. I guess that's the thing Peter thinks I have about me, the thing I hold back and don't tell anyone, the thing I keep to myself which he wants to know because he finds it intriguing.
I wouldn't know how to go about explaining it all. I've forgotten how I let it all out to Izzie...I wouldn't know where to start now.
I didn't even say anything to Andy or Jack about Anna. I feel so guilty that while I was out having a great time in a new city, living my life...I was forgetting to honour her memory. She'd be coming up to her 19th birthday...3rd July. 4 days before mine. I wonder what she'd be like now...what she'd be doing with her life, where she'd be going to college. She had so much talent I can only imagine where she'd be right now...

I need to go and take some paracetemol because my head is getting unbearable. Also, now it smells distinctly of cat spray for some reason and it's horrible. There were massive cat fights all of last night so no wonder they're getting all territorial. I just wish they wouldn't...it's foul.

Anyway...medicine and then dressed and then Cold War cramming. If my head can take it.
Love
xxx
  • Current Music
    Massive Attack - Angel
keeping the bed warm

The prodigal returns

Hmm...so maybe prodigal isn't right. I'm just pointing out that it's been an age and a day since I showed my LJ some love.

So...I'm back here because I have been having some serious obsession. This seems to be where I go when I'm obsessing to ridiculous degrees so that my sanity is broken.

Last time it was History Boys (which I can't bear to think about cause I can't deal with the LOVE. The reason I have disappeared from the community I'm afraid...) and now...
now...
now it's something entirely different.
Now it's Prison Break.
And I cannot get away from it. I do not need this right now, I'm in the middle of my A-Levels, the most important exams of my life so far...and yet I can't work. I find myself reading fanfiction, watching every episode repeatedly, rewinding and watching little sections over and over, pausing on certain expressions, giggling like a fangirl at Wentworth's smile. The thing that's got me at the moment is icons. I've always had a secret love for icons but I've never really used them. Probably because I always feel spoilt for choice and knew I'd get all flustered if I tried to pick one. I'm not organised or methodical enough to change them regularly. Hence why I've had this Sirius one for abour 3 years. Ah well...
So I just keep them in a little prison break folder on my computer and look at them every day and grin.

I might try making some of my own...I've been looking for tutorials for photoshop but it's all quite basic stuff. If anyone has any good tutorials for becoming an icon pro I will love you forever.

Hmm...LJ's changed a lot since I last used it.
I think the thing that always kept me away from using LJ more often, was the fact that this was never my account. Someone gave it to me in the days when you had to be invited, or whatever it was. It was one of Amber's old accounts. I never liked the name...which I guess is why I rarely use it. Also, there are a lot of things I don't understand about it and how to use it.

This post doesn't really have any relevance. I just made a pretty lame Wentworth icon which I will change my user pic to...I am too much of a perfectionist so I guess something create and arty like making icons with I will never be happy with. It's the way it goes.

I had my drama set text exam today...wasn't too great...second question was pretty awful actually, but I take solace in the fact that I will never have to write a text essay ever again. WOHOOO! Morley didn't even know it was today, which is quite funny. He was meant to check our texts for too much writing, but he didn't. Lucky for me cause I forgot to rub all mine out. Not that I used it.

Hmm...so it's a lonely night in for me tonight. I was meant to go over to Lydia's with Izzie so we could have gap year planning talks, but Lyd's ill so it's not happening. I should do some Cold War revision but I'd rather stab pencils in my eyes to be honest.
Kate and Keith are meeting Ben and going to see Blood Brothers...I wouldn't mind going, but I think they want some family time. Also I'm knackered.
Also maybe that means I can go and get a video from the video shop and say hello to the hot guy who I like to think looks like Wentworth. It's a shame he thinks I'm scamming them for money.

I want Kate to come home from Cambridge already so I can make her watch the rest of Prison Break and she can get as fangirl obsessed as I am and then I can have someone to share my explosions of excitement and love with. Katie Gibbons just doesn't do it...she's not the fandom type, it's rather annoying as she's the only other living soul I know who watches it. Which is why I've resorted to forcing it on my sister in large doses! Mwhahaha!
Actually, I was speaking to Ben about it last night, apparently he thinks it's great too...but obviously not to such an obsessed state. I got a bit hyper animated when I was explaining it to his friend Tom. Ah well...

Soooo...I'm trying not to stress about the next few weeks. Exams, leavers' service and ball (which I need to find a dress for even though I am fat as fat can be at the moment. Crapit.) theatre trips and then...then my 18th. Argh! I need to organise something but I'm the most unorganised person EVER.
Streeeeeessssssssssss....
Right...I'll be off for now. No doubt there will be more prison break love soon.
~Jess
xxx
keeping the bed warm

This is fun

Well this is really exciting. I'm at school using one of the new laptop tablets and am using a pen to write on the screen instead of typing. Then the clever computer turns it into text. It is slower, but much more exciting. I'm annoyed because my school is rubbish and have blocked every decent site that exists. So I'm bored and have resorted to writing in LJ haven't done this in a while really. So then, {need to book tickets to Manchester on the train on Saturday. they'll be expensive, but hopefully there win still be some left. I need to ask Isabel what train we are getting but she doesn't know! CraPneSS! Wow, I love the way this doesn't understand my handwriting,
Amazing. I only had 2 lessons today. double history. The rest of my day is free, but have to stay at school for rehearsals until 6. 30, where I Sit and make myself feel important by doing techie Stuff... Yet all day I have done NOTHING! I've wasted 5 free periods playing on this machine instead of doing work which I now have todo another time. Bah! Silly Jess. So, essentially, though these new computers are really good for the school... they're bad for me and my work drive. Not that a work drive exists in my mind anyway. Roar, lane so bored. Maybe I'Ll start my Brecht essay. yes.
Bye then!
Jess... Aryana xxx
  • Current Music
    the sound of the school library.
keeping the bed warm

ICONS!

Fun time Sally
I'm annoyed. I took loads of photos of techie stuff and different lights and the stage with different lights and stuff, all for art, which I have next...
But everything is against me so I can't print them off in time. Ballacks.

So instead, I will amuse myself with Icons
WOOOOT!

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!




What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!




What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!




What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!



Argh...now I have to go to art.
FUCK OFF DOUGGY.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
  • Current Music
    Your Mum
keeping the bed warm

Back from Lanzarote...the same as last year. No change here...

Weelllll...my Dad's acting like a spoilt brat. Ha. For a change. Wanker. Sometimes I wonder who the kid is and who the parent is.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is, this might be where I start writing about Lanzarote. Because really...I can't get it out of my head. It's weird, because all week I was craving to write about everything I was feeling somewhere where people could comfort, rather than just my crappy handwritten diary. Blah...I dunno. But it's so hard to know where the hell to even start. It's gonna be long...I warn you now...

Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before...

And so...it starts...

But I live a hundred
Lifetimes in a day
But I die a little
In every breath that I take

Amen omen
Will I see your face again
Amen omen
Can I find the place within
To live my life without you

I listen to a whisper
Slowly drift away
Silence is the loudest
Parting word you never say
I put your world
Into my veins
Now a voiceless sympathy
Is all that remains

It was weird I guess...because his style has changed a lot since October. I think it's Aoife's influence...so maybe she's good for one thing. I dunno. He said it was his friend Rob getting him into all the good music like Radiohead and stuff...He was wearing baggy (ish) jeans, cool t shirts and big trainers like DCs (but cheaper...good old lanzarote) And his hair was long again. I wanted to play with it the whole time. I did most of the time actually. haha....god I'm SO subtle when I'm drunk. *makes a face*

On the Thursday night, as I said before, we went out for a meal in the harbour. Mary and Ciana told me that Noah dies in Home and Away, by accident, and I almost burst into tears. I saw it today actually...well when Hayley says goodbye to his ghost. Ha...but still. It was fucking sad, and I can't believe I missed him dying. I fucking love Noah, he's the reason I watch the bloody thing! Anyway, we ate, we drank, Mickey gave me his jumper, it smelled good, I got chatted up by these guys who were sitting downstairs when the place was shutting (we were always the last to leave, after most of the staff and everything) and I was wondering around looking for the toilet, we had shots and lollipops, we left, some people went home, I went to a wicked irish pub, a tiny place called 'Craic n ceol' where they had cheap drinks and live music everynight. I was there with Mickey, Dom, Rob, Denise and eventually John, after he walked Mary, Ciana and Holly back to theirs. I can't really remember much. It was quite hard to talk cause the music was so loud, but when we did talk, Mickey always leaned really close to my ear *smiles sadly* making it seem like I was the only person in the world he wanted to talk to. I dont think he spoke like that to other people...but then again I could have just blocked it out to make myself feel special.

In this pub there was this black guy who called himself John Murphy and who tried to sell everyone sunglasses and cheap watches. The night before he'd tried to buy Ciana from Rob for 5 camels, so there was on ongoing joke throughout the holiday about camels. He kept asking me where I got my ass from and I kept snorting and telling him to fuck off, cause I mean, what the hell dya say to that? And then he tried to buy me for 50 camels. I was quite flattered by this, but was not so flattered when he shoved all his watches and sunglasses into Dom's hands, grabbed me and tried to drag me off, and Dom did nothing but looked pleased with all the watches etc. Haha...nah, he pulled me back pretty quickly. I wish I cudve gaged Mickey's reaction to that. meh...anyway. We all had LOADS of shots of  jegemeister and I was on the vodka/malibu/JD and cokes as well, so when I had some coke left over and asked Dom to get me a shot of whiskey to mix it with, he didn't quite understand. He got everyone a round of jegemeister and me a shot of whiskey and I had to knock it back like everyone else was. I swear it almost came right back up, cause whiskey is NOT something I can down easily. Haha...anyway, we were pretty gone by the time we left. Rob and Denise went back a bit before us and we came later, going back to their apartment. I can't really remember much...we had a shot of southern comfort then. Mary was asleep on Mickey's bed...Mick must've given me another jumper to take home, cause I had one of his in my bed for days after that. Umm...we tried to go to Burger King, but found it shut (not surprising, it was about 3am), so me and Dom got a taxi back my mumbling some random spanish sounding streetnames at the cab driver. I grabbed a MD of Mickey just before we got in...I dunno where it came from, but it had the BBC edit or Idiotech that he kept telling me to listen to on it so *shrugs* Kate let us in when we got back, and I fell into bed. I snuggled up to Mickey's jumper which, quite frankly, smelled amazing, and listened to his MD for a bit before conking out.

Was woken up by Holly the next morning, far too early for my liking. Crawled out of bed about 10 minutes later and got myself dressed. Can't remember much about the day. We sat around the pool and read and played ball and stuff. I've got a 5 minute video of them all in the pool on my phone I think. I still marvel at how fit Mickey is *dreamy grin* 6 pac and all. Yay..

Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Until I get a knife, and cut them out...

 Umm...hmm...lost my thread there.

Hmm...I really can't remember for fuck what we did that night. We were meant to go see some Elvis thing...but thankfully, we didn't. We ended up back at John and Mary's complex, where some Elvis guy was finishing, but I blocked him out by drinking lots of Tequila Sunrises. Mwhaha... That was a pretty uneventful night I think. Apart from me and Mary ripping the piss outta Mickey towards the end of the night for being totally whipped. He said he wasn't, and that you weren't whipped if you went somewhere because you wanted to be there because the girlfriend was there. We just laughed in his face, but inside I was crying. ha...Ha...Fuck.

Umm, what else? I dunno. The next night we had a barbecue at ours. Mickey did all the cooking...and he looked BUFF while he did it. The food was tasty as anything and I wanted to marry him there and then. I barely spoke to him either of those two nights actually...he spoke to Dom the whole time, cause Dom didn't have anyone else to talk to really as John was always talking to Mary or the adults and Ciana the same. So him and Mickey stuck together quite a lot. They get on really well actually...

I think it was Wednesday, that day when we had the barbecue, when Kate saw some recent scars on my leg. She asked what they were, which made me angry cause she fucking well knew exactly what they were and didn't need to bring it up in front of Grandma. She said they looked like mums oven burns and asked what they were, I just looked at them, grunted, shrugged and went back to reading. I couldn't be fucked. I could have said they were burns from my straighteners cause they could well be, but I couldnt be fucked to lie anymore. She sat there looking so troubled for ages, and I felt so bad...but I just didn't know what to do. I guess her asking that then added to why I broke down in the middle of the street a bit later. Me, Dom and dad were heading down to the pier to meet the Moorcrofts for a bit of bananaboating and parascending. I jumped off the wall from our short cut and stretched my arm out to lean on dad so I could take my shoes off and empty them of stones. Stupid really, and I regretted it the minute I did it, cause I was wearing a vest top and knew he'd see. He asked immediately what they were and I just turned away. I didn't know what the fuck to say. Dom was standing right there, we were in the middle of the street and with every silent second dad just said "jess, what the fuck is that?" I asked him, in my best moody teenager impression what he thought they were, after gasping and trying not to cry and saying that I thought he knew, cause I did...I was certain mum had told him. He asked if I 'abused' myself. Without even thinking, I came out with the old line of 'I used to' and then just burst into tears saying that I hated them, and they never went away and you could see them all the time and couldnt hide them and I hated them. Which...which is fucking true actually. I hate those ones on my arms...I want them to go so badly.

I have to give dad credit actually...he took it so well. He just gave me a big hug and calmed me down and said it was okay as long as I wasn't doing it anymore. I ignored that and just took deep breaths. We carried on walking, I couldnt even look at Dom. I still have no idea if he knew what the hell was going on. I told dad about the scar removal cream as well actually, and we said we could look into it, definitely, when we got back. But now...I don't know how to even approach it. It costs 33quid. Bugger.

Anyway...so that was stressful. I was just about calmed down when we reached the bottom of the road leading up to the Craic n Ceol which was lucky cause I saw Mickey in a phone box right beside us. Me and Dom went up to him and said stuff like "oooh Aoife, I miss you, oooooh" and crap like that...but once again...inside I was crying. Ha...I dunno...in a weird way which isn't weird at all and which I understand perfectly, I wouldn't have minded that much if Mick had picked up on something being wrong. But he didn't...he just spoke to Dom and I walked silently behind them down to the Pier, all too aware of the scars now.

I was all too aware of them the entire holiday. I wonder what it would be like to be able to show some flesh without constantly being jumpy, and having to shift into a position that would possibly hide them everytime I see someone's eyes shift in my direction. I think Ciana saw one on my leg...but it was hard to say because she had sunglasses on.

Anyway...it was not a good aspect to the holiday, but it's something I have to live with. I should be used to it by now.

After the barbecue, we went out to Craic n Ceol again, and met up with this other family they know, who were leaving the next day. I wasn't really in the mood, especially cause there were two girls and Mickey seemed happy to see them. Actually though, one was closer to Holly's age, and the other, Jenny, was really nice and I spoke to her loads. I was sitting next to Mick, but there was a wall sorta inbetween us, so it was hard to talk. Him and the others were more in the corner, on another table, so it was almost impossible to join in the conversation, but Mary, god love her, made sure we were incorporated as much as possible. I didn't really know what to say to Jenny, I mean, she was so nice, but I'm just so crap at small talk with new people. Luckily, Mickey soon began to help me out, and we actually had some good talks. I felt surprisingly sick after just one Malibu and coke and half a vodka a coke. You have to keep in mind that the idea of a shot in Lanzarote is basically about 3 shots poured into one very narrow glass with a lot of ice and barely and room for a mixer. Very cheap! But still, I was very disappointed in myself for feeling so sick so soon, but I didn't know what it was. In the end, Mick got up to go to the toilet, which meant I had to get up, so I went and sat on a windowsil outside. Denise came to see if I was okay, being a proper mum (god I love that woman) and when she went back inside, Mickey came out a minute later. He sat down very close to me and we talked for a bit about...I have no idea what. He suggested we went back inside. I didn't really want to, but also didn't want him to resent having come out to see if I was okay, so I went back in. The fact that he even came out, when he wanted to be inside was really nice, and I didn't mind going back in that much.

He got quite merry quite quickly and we spoke about John's 21st. He insists that he introduced Aoife to me, which is a pile of crap. I was drunk, but not THAT drunk. I would have remembered her, without a doubt. He started to say something, but then stopped. He insisted it wasn't anything bad about me or Jenny but simply that it would make him look like a fool and he wasn't drunk enough yet. I really wanted to know, so me and jen tried to get him more drunk and get the answer from it...but we didn't. I still don't know what it was. haha...I eventually got up the courage to (after hesitating and teasing like he had, knocking back some southern comfort and taking a deep breath) ask how Bob was. This then lead onto a conversation about him which was great. Mickey said I must've had a great time at John's 21st. I asked why, and he said cause I spoke to Bob all night. I said it was only because he (Mickey)was ignoring me and I didn't know anyone else. He of course, denied that. I stupidly didn't ask how he knew I was talking to Bob all night-if he'd seen, which would mean he looked for me more than once, or if Bob had said it when they went back, which would be amazing cause it meant Bob mentioned me haha, and also that Mickey remembered it, drunk as he was. I dunno...I read into things too much.

Anyway...that was the night Mickey told me that Aoife would be coming to Germany with us in November. I managed to plaster a poker face up, but my heart broke inside. I don't know if I could manage seeing them together. Germany was amazing last time, and I've been looking forward to it SO much...but if she's there *shakes her head* Maybe they won't still be together? *looks hopeful* Ah crap...they've been together 6 months...fuck it. I dunno. That was John and Mary's last night anyway...so big hugs all round. I love Mary, she's so nice, and really quirky sometimes. Very funny and doesn't mind being stupid and silly. I hope they work out!

The next night was a bit crap. We all decided to eat in, so we didn't see them for dinner. We had some nice pasta and stuff, and it wasn't bad...but I was just so bored and felt all locked in and like I was missing something. Dom said he'd ring Rob to see if they wanted to meet up for a drink, and I sat hopefully praying....but....they didn't. Me and Dom ended up watching Sleepers (BRILLIANT film) with a bowl of popcorn which I wasn't allowed to touch cause he gave me his snickers. Blah. Fair deal I guess.

Umm...the next day we went to a volcano place, just me, dad, dom, Grandma and mum. Kate was a bit weird this holiday...I guess she wanted to relax is all. Anyway...it was pretty cool, but not what we expected really. The place we payed to get into was a disappointment, and then we got lost driving around the national park and trying to take the 'scenic' route. We ended up finding this TINY deserted fishing town where the sea crashed against these rocks causing spray of up to 40ft! Me and Dom went really close to them, climbing over rocks and stuff, and ended up getting drenched. I speant the entire time screaming and telling dom to watch out. they sounded like playful screams, full of laughter, but in truth, I was petrified. I've never seen waves that big, the way they just formed out of the water, rolling towards us. They were so unpredictable, you had no idea if they were gonna go crazy and sweep you off. Everynow and again there'd be a MASSIVE one, and everytime that one came round, it was bigger than the last because the tide was coming in. Dom got loads of films, but they're mostly of him running away. he was much closer than I was. Loon.

That night, we ate as separate families. Our meal was a bit of a disappointment, cause Dom and Kate had a hushed fight at the end of the table, and I got angry with him when she speant ages in the toilet, and he lost his temper and ended up calling me a fucking bitch fucking that stupid bitch and fucking that. Anyway...he calmed down eventually, and apologised and I apologised and we rang Rob to find out where they were. They were in a bar called The Crowded House, so after a while we went up to meet them. I was itching to get there, and kept standing up from the table in an oh so subtle hint for everyone to get moving. Kate didn't come out with us, once again, but it was okay. I got a bit tipsy there, and everyone started lecturing me about taking it steady and me being to young and whatnot. That got me a bit angry, but I couldn't be assed to say anything.

Anyway, this night ended up being one of the best of my life. Me, Dom, Ciana and Mickey decided to go clubbing. Fucking brilliant.

The thing you've gotta understand about clubs in Lanzarote, is that you don't pay to get in. In fact, you say to the bouncer/ marketing people outside "what'll you give us if we come in?" and strike up a deal with them. The first place we went to, offered us a free bottle of champagne and two free shots. The guy picked up Ciana and flung her over his shoulder, pretending to go in with her to make us follow, but he put her down eventually. we said we'd have a look around and probably come back, but we didn't in the end. A guy further up the road gave us a pretty good deal. The club its self was more of a bar, and we were the only people in there apart from one bartender, 4 middle ages people and the DJ, but we didn't care much. We payed 6Euro for a drink each, namely a Vodka coke or JD and coke. We ended up getting that drink, 3 free shots, a free cocktail and another of the same drink. 4 of us got all that for about 24 euro. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It was fucking amazing, and I was getting pretty wasted. I gave Dom my last shot, to show that I could be sensible and we then set off to find another place. We went upstairs on the strip to this place above the ground which had music pumping out of it. No one offered us any deals but we just walked in without paying. Woot! It's so BIZARRE! Me and Ciana started dancing right away cause there was some classic dance tune on, I can't remember what...

We went and joined Mickey and Dom after a while, and they were playing pool. Me and Ci-Ci (haha) decided to get a drink so headed to a bar. We saw there was a female barmaid so probab;y wouldnt get any free drinks, so we went looking around the club for the only male bartender. He gave us our drinks cheap and a free shot and a slip saying it was happy hour so we could go back and get the same again for free. We went back to Mickey and Dom and sat down with our drinks. I had a GOOD conversation with Ciana at this moment. She confessed to finding it hard being around Dom and not being able to kiss him, although she never would cause she loves Rob. I agreed completely and confessed my love for Mickey. She then told me that actually, she saw his relationship with Aoife as being quite 1 sided...on mike's part. Apparently he's liked her since 1st year but she never payed him any attention, and then suddenly they're going out, but it still seems like he likes her more. Ciana also said one of the nicest things ever, that she thought I was actually a lot prettier than Aoife, by far and that I'd looked stunning the night of the barbecue. I almost burst into tears. Haha...I gave her a big hug and we talked some more and it was really great.

A few minutes later I was standing up talking to Mickey and...the most amazing thing happened.

I have kissed hard lips
Felt the jaded fingertips
Burn like fire
This burning desire...

 We were talking about my neck thing, for some reason, and I explained that I can handle people touching my neck if I know they're going to do it, and if I trust them. So...he reached under my hair and placed his hand round my neck. I grinned and tried not to freak out, because it was amazing, feeling his skin tingling against mine. Then he asked if he could do something, that would probably make me freak out, and began to tickle me around my ear and then stroke my neck and stroke the hair back from it. I swear, I don't know how I kept standing, or how I didn't kiss him then and there...I've never felt so...I dunno. It was like...all this warmth and electricity going round my neck and it was so NICE and I didn't want him to stop it...but he did...after longer than I'd expected actually. I dunno...I dunno if Ciana or Dom even noticed, but we were right infront of them, and it's the closest I've ever been to him. His face was inches from mine. God it makes me wanna cry just even THINKING about it. But of course...nothing happened...nothing ever does. I can't help wondering what would have happened if Aoife wasn't in the picture. He gives me such mixed messages...I hate it...I just want to UNDERSTAND.

I have run, I have crawled, I have sailed
I have, I have, I have, I have, to be with you, to be with you,
Only to be with you, to be with you,
But I still, still haven't found, just what I'm looking for
But I still, haven't found, what I'm looking for...

Bah, anyway...we drank some more, and laughed at the bar as Ciana made all the barstaff stick a straw in their hair and bend it as if it were a microphone...hard to explain. Had a free shot each, even the guys, and then got dancing again. me and Mickey danced on our own for ages...was great. Ciana and Dom talked and then danced a bit, and we were all dancing by the end. I've never danced so much...it was amazing to dance with someone like Ciana...who LOVES to, and who doesn't care, and will dance to anything and look like anything and do little routines that she knows and join in little routines that I know, just because its then and there and with me and its music...I dunno...it was just so amazing. Probably cause I was absolutely WASTED. At some point, I saw this girl fall to the ground...although I dont remember her falling. The strobe was fucking with my head. I bent down and helped her up, and I think Mickey helped as well, but I couldn't be sure. I asked if she was okay and she seemed to have no idea what the hell was going on. I gave her to her friends who took her outside and then seemed to disappear when I went after them to look for them. *shrugs* Anyway, we left that club after a while and wandered around. We went into paradise something or other, which does all night pizza as well as a club...but the pizza is only in summer (bastards!) so we went to the toilet and left cause it was pretty empty. We had a long talk with the guy outside before walking back in the direction of their house. We got jumped on by some other guys, who offered us free shots at the paradise place and a free shot of tequila and the tequila place. I was well up for that cause I LOVE tequila slammers...so we went in, got that....and then went out the back of that place. I can't remember what happened after that...I think we got to the main strip again and went looking for some food. We found a place doing burgers and chips, and I managed to order two plates of chips entirely in spanish and ask how much they'd cost, even though I was off my face. I was so proud. Go jess! Spanish genius! Ahem...

So we ate...and I kept falling asleep on Mickey's arm but I remember him not being as affectionate as I would have hoped...he was more involved in his food. *sighs* I took loads of pictures of my arm by accident, and then tried to take pictures of him. he never would let me though...I was very upset.

OH! haha..at some point we went into another club, were the bartender and people outside remembered Ciana from when she was there a few years back. The bar guy yelled "BRITNEY!" and gave her a massive hug, as well as the rest of us. He wouldn't give us any free drinks though...bastard. So we were gonna leave, but the guy outside said he'd buy us a free round cause he remembered Ciana and knew she was a valued customer and stuff. So me and Ci got a blue wkd each, which I usually can't stand, but then could hardly taste. Ciana ended up dancing on the bar, which is apparently why they remembered her from last time. Haha... Umm...I made a film of her dancing on my camera, but it was all blurry. I remember thinking it was my drunken vision, but actually it's the craziest blurriest, most colourful film I've ever made. Ciana ended up dancing all on her own in the middle of the dance floor, which was HILARIOUS. I couldn't stop her, even though I should've...it was just too funny. Mickey kept looking at all the hot girls throughout the night with Dom, and I hit him lightly over the head every time sayiong "Aoife aoife aoife". I'd say that whenever he saw someone good looking. I can lie to myself and say I was doing it for Aoife and for him...but really...thats a lie. I was doing it cause I couldn't take it.

And I want you, to want me,
I want you to need me,
Everybody wants to feel needed sometime....

After eating, we started to walk back to theirs...we ran a bit I think...I can't remember. me and Mike were lagging behind, and I'd linked my arm with his, but then he raced me to catch up with the others and I can't remember if he linked arms with me again...maybe...I dunno. We stopped at the corner leading up to their road and me and him sat on the wall while Dom and Ciana sat on the wall just round a bend from us and talked. This was when he talked about Aoife for ages...

About how perfect she was, and how clever, and how fucking funny she was. And how, he was in a place where, right now, if he could, he'd marry her. I ended up sitting on the floor with my back to the wall, and pulled him down to join me. It hurt to hear him talking about her like that...talking about her at all...but I let him...because at least it meant we were talking. But it just made me so sad...and sorta angry...because what right did he have to give me such mixed messages? I dunno if I'd prefer it if he ignored me completely, or treated me like a complete friend, rather than be flirty with me, cause at least then I'd understand. But maybe that's what he thinks he's doing...and I just look for whats not there.

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you know...
....Why do you sing with me, at all?...

He kept going on about how much he needed cigarettes, and even though I'd spent most of the time in the bar where Ciana was dancing on the bar, physically pulling him away from the cigarette machine, and holding his face so he'd look me in the eye when I told him no, and he didn't need to, and he could quit and what not, even though I'd done all that, at that moment I didn't care anymore. And in some ways, I think I needed one too. And it was always anything to stop him talking about Aoife. So we told Dom and Ciana we were going to Burger King (HAHA) which we knew was shut, and set off back towards the strip. We eventually found the place where we'd got food, shutters half pulled down, but the guy said we could come in. He had lighters and everything.

So then....then we went down to the beach. And it was amazing. We were gonna sit in one of the swan peddaloes, and me, in my drunken amazingness, climbed swiftly into one before he did (I always wanna climb things when I'm drunk...) but then he saw how dirty it was and made me get out. We ended up lying on two sun beds in stead. We weren't touching, but we were close together, and it was so chilled out. I took one of his cigarettes and lit up and it was EXACTLY what I needed. I've never been so chilled, just lying there, in the dark, on a sun bed, with the waves crashing in the distance, talking about all sorts of crap with him.

He asked me about bras and bra sizes. I couldn't answer for a long time cause I was laughing, but in the end I gave him a lesson. He wanted to buy Aoife one I guess, so I asked if she was bigger than me or smaller, and probably that she'd be bigger cause I was quite small. Then he said "I don't meant his in a pervy way or anything, but yours look pretty big." that made me grin like anything. At some point, I can't remember when, he just reached out and grabbed one, which caught me off guard completely, but I was so drunk I didnt care and just found it mildly amusing. Though even sober I dont think I'd care. Mwhaha. He said hers were bigger. Bitch. haha...no. But he also said "ah why are yours so good to touch?!" I cant remember if he said that then, or if he said it later when we were walking back, and he did it again. *laughs and shakes her head* it was so funny to see him confused about something, and not being the master of all things. Earlier on, in the first club, he'd told us all that he's slept with 4 different people, the first when he was like...13 or 14 I think. I begged him to tell me that one of them wasn't Pearl...but he just looked at me and didn't say anything. Bitch. I fucking hate that girl. I didn't mean to make it sound like such a bad thing that she had been one, but I couldn't help it. He deserves so much BETTER than that slag. gah! Anyway, Dom's apparently slept with only Mary and Debbie (aww cuteness) and Ciana finally went for it, with Rob, which if perfect and I'm so happy for her. Anyway...

As I was saying, it was nice to know that he wasn't that confident in all areas, and that I could teach him at least something. I offered to go shopping with him for something for her...but luckily, he never took me up on the offer, not when he was sober anyway.

At some point, when we were lying down...I got cold and tired suddenly, and curled up on a ball with his jumper on (again...mwhahaha, the same one as from the last night) and pulled the hood over my head. I could see him looking down at me, and I desperately wanted him to hug me...or something...cause I was getting lonely in that horrible drunken way...but he didn't...

Be my friend, hold me,
Wrap me up, unfold me,
I am small and needy,
Warm me up and breathe me...

But he didn't....

And so I turned onto my front, and stupidly, looked up just in time to see Dom and Ciana walking along the road above us. I also stupidly pointed this out to him, meaning he then called them down to us, meaning that they made us go home. which I guess was fair enough as it was almost 6am...but I so wanted to watch the sunrise on that beach, just me and him, or at least have one more cigarette. Alas...no...and it'll probably never happen again, but in those moments, I was closer to him than I can ever remember being. That whole night especially...but then...we were just like everything I've ever wanted in a guy friend. Earlier on, when we'd been sitting with our backs to the wall, we'd started on some quite deep convos about family and stuff...and about why Kate was being a bit moody and how I thought it was to do with me (her seeing my scars...although I didnt say that...came close...but only hinted) and I thought that finally we might break down some actual boundaries...but he kept saying "Family stuff should stay in the family". He did ask if I ever felt like the black sheep though, and I laughed so blankly that he gave me a weird look. I guess I'm not alone in that feeling...and their family isn't as perfect as it seems. I guess he didn't wanna ruin that image that we have of each others' families...which is fair enough. He seemed to half want to talk about it, but then seemed to think better of it...I dunno.

Anyway, when we were walking back, him having a secret smoke, and me with my arm linked through his and strolling along happily, talking freely I was happy again. He mentioned how we always talk when we're drunk...but in the day there seem to be silences between us. I said that I'd noticed it...but I dont think I gave any reason for it...we just promised each other that it'd be different the next day.

Sadly...it wasn't.

Me and Dom walked back to ours, and made friends with a ginger cat, of whom I have about 7 blurred photos on my phone. I didn't get up the next day until 2...

That night, I swear...it was amazing. I wanna go clubbing there again. So many free drinks! We payed for literally about...2! Hahaha! and we got about 16! *dances* each! And with him as well...someone who doesnt care what they look like when they're dancing cause they're that drunk. Someone who'll go on secret treks and adventures with me, and just chill...and somehow, have exactly the same thoughts and fears in his head as mine, although we'd never speak them.

Gah...

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There's still a little bit of your face, I haven't kissed,
You step a little closer each day,
That I can't say, what's going on...

I'm tired...and my fingers are cramping. And this is probably so bloody LONG. Nothing else much happened. Failures of days, days that should have been amazing, but went wrong cause we were on a different boat and so split up from them all day. Crappy last nights where no one was drunk enough, and Mickey seemed very standoffish, dreams where he said he couldn't wait for us to go home, me telling him that the day after, on our last day, and him not saying anything. Blah...the silences still being there. Him saying he couldn't wait to get home, because home meant Aoife...

And me...just left to miss him everynight, and wish he hadn't taken his jumper back, because his smell was so comforting.

But now...I've done it I guess. The general gist of our holiday, and the development, or not, as the case may be, of my relationship with him.

The last thing though...the thing that sorta...haunts me...was the look he gave me when I was sitting in the back of the taxi waiting for it to leave. We'd said goodbye...it hadn't been a particularly long hug, and I'd not wanted to let go...but it was a goodbye. I sat inbetween Kate and Dom in the back of this taxi, leaning forward slightly to see them and get a last look at him. And he was looking right back at me...I think. I'm pretty sure of it. And he looked...I dunno...I can't really describe it. Sadder than I've ever seen him look, yet thoughtful at the same time...slightly lost...haunted...I don't know. It was so solemn...his big brown eyes were giving Bob a run for his money on the scale of sadness and puppy dogness...I just looked back at him, so shocked by the intensity of it, and I couldn't sort my head out, I could barely hold his gaze, but I tried. I should have smiled, waved...something, to see he was looking at me and not just all of us...but...I've never seen him look like that before...I can't describe it...but it left me feeling very unsure about everything.

And the look on your face...it's delicate...

I'm off to bed now I guess...that's it for now...unless I've forgotten anything vital. I'll cya guys tmrw...

Sorry this is so long...but you should know the bill by now. The obsession...the pain and the longing and the pure loss I feel. How much I fucking miss him, and regret stuff and just WISH I could go back and re do things...A lot happened that may give me things to think about, to contemplate...but I could also have imagined them. And I'll never know...

But for now...It's Goodnight. And thankyou for reading.

I Love You All...

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover girl
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were runnin' in the rain

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover girl
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from me

I die when she comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

I have to just get over it...because...I can't wait around for something that might never happen. And even if it did...what's the point? he lives in Ireland, I live in England. He said it himself about Dom and Ciana and why they never can. He said it him fucking self. Yet I still hang on. I lie to myself and say I can treat him with indifference...but I can't...

And moving on is the hardest thing I can think of doing. because I don't want to...he makes me too happy to think about, but at the time time, he rips me apart inside. They both do, and always have, and probably always will. Bloody cousins as well...Fuck.

I'm all wrapped up in you,
All wrapped up in him too,
Prepare myself for a war
And I don't know what i'm doing this for
Trying to let it all go
But how can I when you still don't know?

And goodnight...

~I quote others only to better express myself
                                -
Michel de Montaigne

  • Current Music
    Damien Rice-Cheers Darlin'
keeping the bed warm

God I have to laugh at myself

I have spent to majority of my day hugging and smelling my blue adidas zip up, because yes, it smells slightly of Matt and reminds me of how fucking amazing last night was. He looked so funny when he put it on...and surprisingly good.
God I need to sort myself out. I've spent all day day dreaming and doodling and just...smiling to myself and then getting love pains.
I don't really know what to DO with myself this lunch time...I dont feel like hanging out with the usual friends, Izzie's disappeared, doing some YEP thing I think. So...I'm sorta at a loss with what to do. I'm so used to having some techie stuff to do, or a drama performance or something...and it's weird, cause I find myself WANTING to do something like that. I miss it already, and I miss hanging out with Morley, Mr Phillips, Matt, Matt, Miss Putapon and whatnot...it was SO much fun yesterday.
I worked backstage at the talent show, rather than on lights....makes me want to be a Stage Manager even more, but at the same time I kept worrying about the lights as well...
Blah...I dunno.
Anyway, I might go and raid the backstage cupboard in the black box to find some broken stuff to go in my vitrine for art. I'm writing in here cause school sucks and have blocked xanga which is a violation of free speech. Well...I'd think that if I really cared about freedom and rights and stuff, but...meh...I'm not in the mood.
Anyway, yes well...bye!
~Techie Madness xxx

Oh, and in addition, Anna's leaving today, and I feel crap cause I was always mean about her but in the last few days I've actually spoken to her, and she's SO nice and I don't want her to go. I don't want Matt to mope around...cause I can imagine how much it would suck to have my boyfriend go off to Australia and not see them for god knows how long. It'll be weird for him I guess...not having her in school everyday. I dunno...
Apparently in Assembly, when Dr Burne said she was leaving, a few people went "Yes!" And said things like "Now we can have Matt all to ourselves!" It's just like...grow the fuck up children, he's 32 and isn't interested in any of us. Ha...ha...I'm a joke.
Umm...he said taking the job here was the worst mistake of his life, and that he'd been looking for work in other places ever since but no one would have him. Made me feel bad...didn't know he hated it that much.
I dunno, anyway I am going!
  • Current Music
    The annoying sounds of little children in the computer room
keeping the bed warm

Sooo...

Wow it's been a long time. Almost a year actually.
Sort of ironic that the last post I did in here was about the place we stayed in Spain with all the Irish gang, and the first one I do in ages is just before I go away with the same people for a week. Another holiday which will leave me depressed, longing and wishing to be somewhere else when I get back no doubt.

Or maybe not. Maybe...just possibly, I might be getting over him? *makes a face* Somehow, I doubt it. But I don't think about him everyday. Only every other day. And I don't dream about him so much...apart from a few nights ago. And I don't think about texting him. Just e mailing. And I don't look at the pictures I have of him all the time...just when I have nothing better to do.

Damn...guess I'm not then. And a week away with him and just me...and wel 15 other people I've never met before and my family and his family. Haha...how much can it hurt?

Anyway...I came back here to post rather than obsess over the History Boys, cause Phillups commented...which was a shock quite frankly. HC has sorta...dwindled from my life, as much as I didn't want it to. I didn't really have a choice in that matter apparently. Or maybe I did...I don't know. I sure as hell miss it thought...it's just my damned pride keeping me from it. That and the fact that I've been deleted. After dedicating every day of my life (practically) for over 4 years to that place. After being the longest running memeber, the only remaining one from the first term it ever started.

Ha...not that I'm angry or resentful or bitter or anything. Not that I miss it cause it was my home, my paradise.

*grumbles*

Anyway, I'll do this to take my mind off it. Stolen from Vikky, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, and miss dearly, like most people at HC...:(

Instructions:

1. copy and pate into your live journal
2. bold the ones that apply

01. I miss somebody right now.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love olives.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I own a lot of books.
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
07. I love to play video games.
08. I've tried marijuana.
09. I've watched porn movies.
10. I have been in a threesome.
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
13. I have acne free skin.
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
15. I curse frequently.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have a hobby.
18. I've been told I have a nice butt.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
20. I'm really, really smart.
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
23. I hate the rain.
24. I'm paranoid at times. (y un chingo)
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free. (still not sure about this one...so going for italic for maybe ;))
26. I need money right now.
27. I love sushi.
28. I talk really, really fast.
29. I have fresh breath in the morning.
30. I have semi-long hair.
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs.
35. I have a twin.
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look...kinda
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
40. I know how to do cornrows.
41. I am usually pessimistic.
42. I have mood swings.
43. I think prostitution should be legalized. This changes day by day
44. I think Britney Spears is hot.
45. I have cheated on a significant other.
46. I have a hidden talent.
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular.
49. I am currently single.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex. It was forced upon me when Lauryn attacked me in the park on the last day of school! Haha...aww...good time
51. I enjoy talking on the phone.
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my LJ.
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer.
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
62. I have a cell phone.
63. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. I don't think so...I've fallen asleep *snorts* Never thrown up thought either. I'm irish...I can handel my drink ;)
66. I love drama.
67. I have never been in a real relationship before.
68. I've rejected someone before.
69. I currently have a crush on someone.
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
71. I want to have children in the future.
72. I have changed a diaper before.
73. I've had the cops called on me before.
74. I bite my nails. To keep them in shape for playing Guitar ;)
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
76. I'm not allergic to anything.
77. I have a lot to learn.
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.... (haha...ha...I wish. *sighs*)
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes.
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
82. I have at least five away messages saved.
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
85. I own the "South Park" movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
88. I enjoy some country music.
89. I love my best friends.
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
99. I'm happy as of this moment.

 

Well...wasn't that just joyous?

Hello LJ...it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste.

Ha...man that song reminds me of Ser...and Anna...and VWOHP...and that whole fucking summer. Those whole two summers which are the reason for me being who I am. I love them as much as I sometimes hate them.

~Is it good to be back?

  • Current Music
    The Futureheads-Hounds of Love
keeping the bed warm

Stupid me...

I was meant to get up at 9am today and start work...fell asleep again and had a wonderful dream...but thats not the point. I got up at 12 and still haven't started any work and it's almost 1. This is my last working day, and I can't afford to waste it...but stupid me is still here writing this, and stupid me stupidly looked in the Spain at Heart brochure and found the place we were at and found the website and...now...blah.

I've got pictures of it though, wheeee
Makes me sad of course...makes me more than sad...I wanna go back there...but meh...I can't...so I can have these to remind me...

Meh...and now its not working, so I was gonna copy this onto xanga and add the pictures there and then copy it back, but xanga won't even let me write an entry.
The gods are against me here...

Bag, oh well I'll try again later...
I'll just give the website if any of you are THAT interested...which I doubt you are ;)

www.fincanino.com

There...cya latrez aligatrez
~Gloomy Me x
  • Current Music
    Incubus-11 am
keeping the bed warm

If I close my eyes...

If I close my eyes, I could almost be back there.

This song...it's like it's got every sound, touch, taste, sight and smell that I took in for the 4 minutes and 51 seconds it played, wrapped up and captured inside it, for me to open everytime I hear it.

It makes me ache more than I thought was humanly possible...

The sun was just setting and the sky was on fire, disappearing behind the hill across the valley from ours...the sea was shimmering, reflecting the light and colours in the sky and I was sitting with Mickey on my right, Caiman on my left and Bob directly opposite me, enabling me to steal looks at him every now and again and glance down quickly when his eyes were in my direction...

The grass was crunchy under my legs and I was playing with it in my hands, picking blades out and peeling them in half. Caiman and Bob were playing backgammon...again...and Bob's fingers danced across the spaces as they always did when he was marking out his moves, swiftly and accurately, and he'd shift every now and again on his elbow to get a better view of the board...

There were birds twittering off behind the tennis courts and swallows and housemartins were dipping and diving across the pool at regular intervals...

The song was blaring out of Matti's speakers, with that comforting rattle that I'd grown used to over the few days I'd been there, and everytime the words "As he faced the sun he cast no shadow" were sung, I stupidly looked at the sun and smiled.

I didn't want to go home, and I was counting down the days I had left...wondering what could happen, if I could ever be certain...but all the time glad that Caiman was there, cause he'd helped me break the barrier so that I didn't feel too much like a tag along whenever I was with them. He made me welcome, and when he was there, Mickey and Bob weren't scared to show that they wanted me there anymore...They were actually asking me to come watch them play tennis and football tennis, and telling me I didn't need to wait for Kate and Ciana to get ready to go down to the bar...I had so much more fun after that barrier was broken...

I don't want to be here...with school and work looming over me, and mum and dad pissing me off at every free moment they have. I don't want Kate to be ringing up every 10 minutes asking for mum, close to tears...and I don't want Dom locked in the study all day, grumpy cause he has to do all his english essays...

I know I've been saying this non-stop since I got back...and there's no way it'll help or change anything, but I feel if I keep it inside I might just burst. It's hard enough wanting to curl up and cry at night because I know in the morning it won't be sunny, and Rob won't be laughing at my messy hair and hungover eyes as I fall out of bed at 12, just in time for the best sun...and I know my heart won't speed up everytime I see him...cause I won't see him.

There will just be that dull ache there was whenever Evette called him and Matti over for food, or the feeling of disappointment when he went to bed...except it will be constant and there wont be games of boggle to play and there won't be the times of happiness and elation like whenever he was around...cause he won't be around, not until Summer...and possibly, not even then.

~Me and my shadow x
  • Current Music
    Oasis-Cast No Shadow
keeping the bed warm

Just another one!

This could also be my wand, but I'm not sure if I got mine and Hallie's b day right...it's something like that anyway. I'm always good for protection, which is dandy! Unicorn hair, baby...YEAH!

Ollivanders - Maker of Fine Wands Since 382 B.C. by media_darling
Name/LJ User Name
Birthday
Which House do you think you would be in?
This wand will choose youEbony (regarded as the most powerful wood with unprecedented protectional qualities) - 12 1/2 inches, Unicorn tail hair core.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!


~moi x