Weelllll...my Dad's acting like a spoilt brat. Ha. For a change. Wanker. Sometimes I wonder who the kid is and who the parent is.
Anyway, that's not the point.
The point is, this might be where I start writing about Lanzarote. Because really...I can't get it out of my head. It's weird, because all week I was craving to write about everything I was feeling somewhere where people could comfort, rather than just my crappy handwritten diary. Blah...I dunno. But it's so hard to know where the hell to even start. It's gonna be long...I warn you now...
Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before...
And so...it starts...
But I live a hundred
Lifetimes in a day
But I die a little
In every breath that I take
Will I see your face again
Can I find the place within
To live my life without you
I listen to a whisper
Slowly drift away
Silence is the loudest
Parting word you never say
I put your world
Into my veins
Now a voiceless sympathy
Is all that remains
It was weird I guess...because his style has changed a lot since October. I think it's Aoife's influence...so maybe she's good for one thing. I dunno. He said it was his friend Rob getting him into all the good music like Radiohead and stuff...He was wearing baggy (ish) jeans, cool t shirts and big trainers like DCs (but cheaper...good old lanzarote) And his hair was long again. I wanted to play with it the whole time. I did most of the time actually. haha....god I'm SO subtle when I'm drunk. *makes a face*
On the Thursday night, as I said before, we went out for a meal in the harbour. Mary and Ciana told me that Noah dies in Home and Away, by accident, and I almost burst into tears. I saw it today actually...well when Hayley says goodbye to his ghost. Ha...but still. It was fucking sad, and I can't believe I missed him dying. I fucking love Noah, he's the reason I watch the bloody thing! Anyway, we ate, we drank, Mickey gave me his jumper, it smelled good, I got chatted up by these guys who were sitting downstairs when the place was shutting (we were always the last to leave, after most of the staff and everything) and I was wondering around looking for the toilet, we had shots and lollipops, we left, some people went home, I went to a wicked irish pub, a tiny place called 'Craic n ceol' where they had cheap drinks and live music everynight. I was there with Mickey, Dom, Rob, Denise and eventually John, after he walked Mary, Ciana and Holly back to theirs. I can't really remember much. It was quite hard to talk cause the music was so loud, but when we did talk, Mickey always leaned really close to my ear *smiles sadly* making it seem like I was the only person in the world he wanted to talk to. I dont think he spoke like that to other people...but then again I could have just blocked it out to make myself feel special.
In this pub there was this black guy who called himself John Murphy and who tried to sell everyone sunglasses and cheap watches. The night before he'd tried to buy Ciana from Rob for 5 camels, so there was on ongoing joke throughout the holiday about camels. He kept asking me where I got my ass from and I kept snorting and telling him to fuck off, cause I mean, what the hell dya say to that? And then he tried to buy me for 50 camels. I was quite flattered by this, but was not so flattered when he shoved all his watches and sunglasses into Dom's hands, grabbed me and tried to drag me off, and Dom did nothing but looked pleased with all the watches etc. Haha...nah, he pulled me back pretty quickly. I wish I cudve gaged Mickey's reaction to that. meh...anyway. We all had LOADS of shots of jegemeister and I was on the vodka/malibu/JD and cokes as well, so when I had some coke left over and asked Dom to get me a shot of whiskey to mix it with, he didn't quite understand. He got everyone a round of jegemeister and me a shot of whiskey and I had to knock it back like everyone else was. I swear it almost came right back up, cause whiskey is NOT something I can down easily. Haha...anyway, we were pretty gone by the time we left. Rob and Denise went back a bit before us and we came later, going back to their apartment. I can't really remember much...we had a shot of southern comfort then. Mary was asleep on Mickey's bed...Mick must've given me another jumper to take home, cause I had one of his in my bed for days after that. Umm...we tried to go to Burger King, but found it shut (not surprising, it was about 3am), so me and Dom got a taxi back my mumbling some random spanish sounding streetnames at the cab driver. I grabbed a MD of Mickey just before we got in...I dunno where it came from, but it had the BBC edit or Idiotech that he kept telling me to listen to on it so *shrugs* Kate let us in when we got back, and I fell into bed. I snuggled up to Mickey's jumper which, quite frankly, smelled amazing, and listened to his MD for a bit before conking out.
Was woken up by Holly the next morning, far too early for my liking. Crawled out of bed about 10 minutes later and got myself dressed. Can't remember much about the day. We sat around the pool and read and played ball and stuff. I've got a 5 minute video of them all in the pool on my phone I think. I still marvel at how fit Mickey is *dreamy grin* 6 pac and all. Yay..
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Until I get a knife, and cut them out...
Umm...hmm...lost my thread there.
Hmm...I really can't remember for fuck what we did that night. We were meant to go see some Elvis thing...but thankfully, we didn't. We ended up back at John and Mary's complex, where some Elvis guy was finishing, but I blocked him out by drinking lots of Tequila Sunrises. Mwhaha... That was a pretty uneventful night I think. Apart from me and Mary ripping the piss outta Mickey towards the end of the night for being totally whipped. He said he wasn't, and that you weren't whipped if you went somewhere because you wanted to be there because the girlfriend was there. We just laughed in his face, but inside I was crying. ha...Ha...Fuck.
Umm, what else? I dunno. The next night we had a barbecue at ours. Mickey did all the cooking...and he looked BUFF while he did it. The food was tasty as anything and I wanted to marry him there and then. I barely spoke to him either of those two nights actually...he spoke to Dom the whole time, cause Dom didn't have anyone else to talk to really as John was always talking to Mary or the adults and Ciana the same. So him and Mickey stuck together quite a lot. They get on really well actually...
I think it was Wednesday, that day when we had the barbecue, when Kate saw some recent scars on my leg. She asked what they were, which made me angry cause she fucking well knew exactly what they were and didn't need to bring it up in front of Grandma. She said they looked like mums oven burns and asked what they were, I just looked at them, grunted, shrugged and went back to reading. I couldn't be fucked. I could have said they were burns from my straighteners cause they could well be, but I couldnt be fucked to lie anymore. She sat there looking so troubled for ages, and I felt so bad...but I just didn't know what to do. I guess her asking that then added to why I broke down in the middle of the street a bit later. Me, Dom and dad were heading down to the pier to meet the Moorcrofts for a bit of bananaboating and parascending. I jumped off the wall from our short cut and stretched my arm out to lean on dad so I could take my shoes off and empty them of stones. Stupid really, and I regretted it the minute I did it, cause I was wearing a vest top and knew he'd see. He asked immediately what they were and I just turned away. I didn't know what the fuck to say. Dom was standing right there, we were in the middle of the street and with every silent second dad just said "jess, what the fuck is that?" I asked him, in my best moody teenager impression what he thought they were, after gasping and trying not to cry and saying that I thought he knew, cause I did...I was certain mum had told him. He asked if I 'abused' myself. Without even thinking, I came out with the old line of 'I used to' and then just burst into tears saying that I hated them, and they never went away and you could see them all the time and couldnt hide them and I hated them. Which...which is fucking true actually. I hate those ones on my arms...I want them to go so badly.
I have to give dad credit actually...he took it so well. He just gave me a big hug and calmed me down and said it was okay as long as I wasn't doing it anymore. I ignored that and just took deep breaths. We carried on walking, I couldnt even look at Dom. I still have no idea if he knew what the hell was going on. I told dad about the scar removal cream as well actually, and we said we could look into it, definitely, when we got back. But now...I don't know how to even approach it. It costs 33quid. Bugger.
Anyway...so that was stressful. I was just about calmed down when we reached the bottom of the road leading up to the Craic n Ceol which was lucky cause I saw Mickey in a phone box right beside us. Me and Dom went up to him and said stuff like "oooh Aoife, I miss you, oooooh" and crap like that...but once again...inside I was crying. Ha...I dunno...in a weird way which isn't weird at all and which I understand perfectly, I wouldn't have minded that much if Mick had picked up on something being wrong. But he didn't...he just spoke to Dom and I walked silently behind them down to the Pier, all too aware of the scars now.
I was all too aware of them the entire holiday. I wonder what it would be like to be able to show some flesh without constantly being jumpy, and having to shift into a position that would possibly hide them everytime I see someone's eyes shift in my direction. I think Ciana saw one on my leg...but it was hard to say because she had sunglasses on.
Anyway...it was not a good aspect to the holiday, but it's something I have to live with. I should be used to it by now.
After the barbecue, we went out to Craic n Ceol again, and met up with this other family they know, who were leaving the next day. I wasn't really in the mood, especially cause there were two girls and Mickey seemed happy to see them. Actually though, one was closer to Holly's age, and the other, Jenny, was really nice and I spoke to her loads. I was sitting next to Mick, but there was a wall sorta inbetween us, so it was hard to talk. Him and the others were more in the corner, on another table, so it was almost impossible to join in the conversation, but Mary, god love her, made sure we were incorporated as much as possible. I didn't really know what to say to Jenny, I mean, she was so nice, but I'm just so crap at small talk with new people. Luckily, Mickey soon began to help me out, and we actually had some good talks. I felt surprisingly sick after just one Malibu and coke and half a vodka a coke. You have to keep in mind that the idea of a shot in Lanzarote is basically about 3 shots poured into one very narrow glass with a lot of ice and barely and room for a mixer. Very cheap! But still, I was very disappointed in myself for feeling so sick so soon, but I didn't know what it was. In the end, Mick got up to go to the toilet, which meant I had to get up, so I went and sat on a windowsil outside. Denise came to see if I was okay, being a proper mum (god I love that woman) and when she went back inside, Mickey came out a minute later. He sat down very close to me and we talked for a bit about...I have no idea what. He suggested we went back inside. I didn't really want to, but also didn't want him to resent having come out to see if I was okay, so I went back in. The fact that he even came out, when he wanted to be inside was really nice, and I didn't mind going back in that much.
He got quite merry quite quickly and we spoke about John's 21st. He insists that he introduced Aoife to me, which is a pile of crap. I was drunk, but not THAT drunk. I would have remembered her, without a doubt. He started to say something, but then stopped. He insisted it wasn't anything bad about me or Jenny but simply that it would make him look like a fool and he wasn't drunk enough yet. I really wanted to know, so me and jen tried to get him more drunk and get the answer from it...but we didn't. I still don't know what it was. haha...I eventually got up the courage to (after hesitating and teasing like he had, knocking back some southern comfort and taking a deep breath) ask how Bob was. This then lead onto a conversation about him which was great. Mickey said I must've had a great time at John's 21st. I asked why, and he said cause I spoke to Bob all night. I said it was only because he (Mickey)was ignoring me and I didn't know anyone else. He of course, denied that. I stupidly didn't ask how he knew I was talking to Bob all night-if he'd seen, which would mean he looked for me more than once, or if Bob had said it when they went back, which would be amazing cause it meant Bob mentioned me haha, and also that Mickey remembered it, drunk as he was. I dunno...I read into things too much.
Anyway...that was the night Mickey told me that Aoife would be coming to Germany with us in November. I managed to plaster a poker face up, but my heart broke inside. I don't know if I could manage seeing them together. Germany was amazing last time, and I've been looking forward to it SO much...but if she's there *shakes her head* Maybe they won't still be together? *looks hopeful* Ah crap...they've been together 6 months...fuck it. I dunno. That was John and Mary's last night anyway...so big hugs all round. I love Mary, she's so nice, and really quirky sometimes. Very funny and doesn't mind being stupid and silly. I hope they work out!
The next night was a bit crap. We all decided to eat in, so we didn't see them for dinner. We had some nice pasta and stuff, and it wasn't bad...but I was just so bored and felt all locked in and like I was missing something. Dom said he'd ring Rob to see if they wanted to meet up for a drink, and I sat hopefully praying....but....they didn't. Me and Dom ended up watching Sleepers (BRILLIANT film) with a bowl of popcorn which I wasn't allowed to touch cause he gave me his snickers. Blah. Fair deal I guess.
Umm...the next day we went to a volcano place, just me, dad, dom, Grandma and mum. Kate was a bit weird this holiday...I guess she wanted to relax is all. Anyway...it was pretty cool, but not what we expected really. The place we payed to get into was a disappointment, and then we got lost driving around the national park and trying to take the 'scenic' route. We ended up finding this TINY deserted fishing town where the sea crashed against these rocks causing spray of up to 40ft! Me and Dom went really close to them, climbing over rocks and stuff, and ended up getting drenched. I speant the entire time screaming and telling dom to watch out. they sounded like playful screams, full of laughter, but in truth, I was petrified. I've never seen waves that big, the way they just formed out of the water, rolling towards us. They were so unpredictable, you had no idea if they were gonna go crazy and sweep you off. Everynow and again there'd be a MASSIVE one, and everytime that one came round, it was bigger than the last because the tide was coming in. Dom got loads of films, but they're mostly of him running away. he was much closer than I was. Loon.
That night, we ate as separate families. Our meal was a bit of a disappointment, cause Dom and Kate had a hushed fight at the end of the table, and I got angry with him when she speant ages in the toilet, and he lost his temper and ended up calling me a fucking bitch fucking that stupid bitch and fucking that. Anyway...he calmed down eventually, and apologised and I apologised and we rang Rob to find out where they were. They were in a bar called The Crowded House, so after a while we went up to meet them. I was itching to get there, and kept standing up from the table in an oh so subtle hint for everyone to get moving. Kate didn't come out with us, once again, but it was okay. I got a bit tipsy there, and everyone started lecturing me about taking it steady and me being to young and whatnot. That got me a bit angry, but I couldn't be assed to say anything.
Anyway, this night ended up being one of the best of my life. Me, Dom, Ciana and Mickey decided to go clubbing. Fucking brilliant.
The thing you've gotta understand about clubs in Lanzarote, is that you don't pay to get in. In fact, you say to the bouncer/ marketing people outside "what'll you give us if we come in?" and strike up a deal with them. The first place we went to, offered us a free bottle of champagne and two free shots. The guy picked up Ciana and flung her over his shoulder, pretending to go in with her to make us follow, but he put her down eventually. we said we'd have a look around and probably come back, but we didn't in the end. A guy further up the road gave us a pretty good deal. The club its self was more of a bar, and we were the only people in there apart from one bartender, 4 middle ages people and the DJ, but we didn't care much. We payed 6Euro for a drink each, namely a Vodka coke or JD and coke. We ended up getting that drink, 3 free shots, a free cocktail and another of the same drink. 4 of us got all that for about 24 euro. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It was fucking amazing, and I was getting pretty wasted. I gave Dom my last shot, to show that I could be sensible and we then set off to find another place. We went upstairs on the strip to this place above the ground which had music pumping out of it. No one offered us any deals but we just walked in without paying. Woot! It's so BIZARRE! Me and Ciana started dancing right away cause there was some classic dance tune on, I can't remember what...
We went and joined Mickey and Dom after a while, and they were playing pool. Me and Ci-Ci (haha) decided to get a drink so headed to a bar. We saw there was a female barmaid so probab;y wouldnt get any free drinks, so we went looking around the club for the only male bartender. He gave us our drinks cheap and a free shot and a slip saying it was happy hour so we could go back and get the same again for free. We went back to Mickey and Dom and sat down with our drinks. I had a GOOD conversation with Ciana at this moment. She confessed to finding it hard being around Dom and not being able to kiss him, although she never would cause she loves Rob. I agreed completely and confessed my love for Mickey. She then told me that actually, she saw his relationship with Aoife as being quite 1 sided...on mike's part. Apparently he's liked her since 1st year but she never payed him any attention, and then suddenly they're going out, but it still seems like he likes her more. Ciana also said one of the nicest things ever, that she thought I was actually a lot prettier than Aoife, by far and that I'd looked stunning the night of the barbecue. I almost burst into tears. Haha...I gave her a big hug and we talked some more and it was really great.
A few minutes later I was standing up talking to Mickey and...the most amazing thing happened.
I have kissed hard lips
Felt the jaded fingertips
Burn like fire
This burning desire...
We were talking about my neck thing, for some reason, and I explained that I can handle people touching my neck if I know they're going to do it, and if I trust them. So...he reached under my hair and placed his hand round my neck. I grinned and tried not to freak out, because it was amazing, feeling his skin tingling against mine. Then he asked if he could do something, that would probably make me freak out, and began to tickle me around my ear and then stroke my neck and stroke the hair back from it. I swear, I don't know how I kept standing, or how I didn't kiss him then and there...I've never felt so...I dunno. It was like...all this warmth and electricity going round my neck and it was so NICE and I didn't want him to stop it...but he did...after longer than I'd expected actually. I dunno...I dunno if Ciana or Dom even noticed, but we were right infront of them, and it's the closest I've ever been to him. His face was inches from mine. God it makes me wanna cry just even THINKING about it. But of course...nothing happened...nothing ever does. I can't help wondering what would have happened if Aoife wasn't in the picture. He gives me such mixed messages...I hate it...I just want to UNDERSTAND.
I have run, I have crawled, I have sailed
I have, I have, I have, I have, to be with you, to be with you,
Only to be with you, to be with you,
But I still, still haven't found, just what I'm looking for
But I still, haven't found, what I'm looking for...
Bah, anyway...we drank some more, and laughed at the bar as Ciana made all the barstaff stick a straw in their hair and bend it as if it were a microphone...hard to explain. Had a free shot each, even the guys, and then got dancing again. me and Mickey danced on our own for ages...was great. Ciana and Dom talked and then danced a bit, and we were all dancing by the end. I've never danced so much...it was amazing to dance with someone like Ciana...who LOVES to, and who doesn't care, and will dance to anything and look like anything and do little routines that she knows and join in little routines that I know, just because its then and there and with me and its music...I dunno...it was just so amazing. Probably cause I was absolutely WASTED. At some point, I saw this girl fall to the ground...although I dont remember her falling. The strobe was fucking with my head. I bent down and helped her up, and I think Mickey helped as well, but I couldn't be sure. I asked if she was okay and she seemed to have no idea what the hell was going on. I gave her to her friends who took her outside and then seemed to disappear when I went after them to look for them. *shrugs* Anyway, we left that club after a while and wandered around. We went into paradise something or other, which does all night pizza as well as a club...but the pizza is only in summer (bastards!) so we went to the toilet and left cause it was pretty empty. We had a long talk with the guy outside before walking back in the direction of their house. We got jumped on by some other guys, who offered us free shots at the paradise place and a free shot of tequila and the tequila place. I was well up for that cause I LOVE tequila slammers...so we went in, got that....and then went out the back of that place. I can't remember what happened after that...I think we got to the main strip again and went looking for some food. We found a place doing burgers and chips, and I managed to order two plates of chips entirely in spanish and ask how much they'd cost, even though I was off my face. I was so proud. Go jess! Spanish genius! Ahem...
So we ate...and I kept falling asleep on Mickey's arm but I remember him not being as affectionate as I would have hoped...he was more involved in his food. *sighs* I took loads of pictures of my arm by accident, and then tried to take pictures of him. he never would let me though...I was very upset.
OH! haha..at some point we went into another club, were the bartender and people outside remembered Ciana from when she was there a few years back. The bar guy yelled "BRITNEY!" and gave her a massive hug, as well as the rest of us. He wouldn't give us any free drinks though...bastard. So we were gonna leave, but the guy outside said he'd buy us a free round cause he remembered Ciana and knew she was a valued customer and stuff. So me and Ci got a blue wkd each, which I usually can't stand, but then could hardly taste. Ciana ended up dancing on the bar, which is apparently why they remembered her from last time. Haha... Umm...I made a film of her dancing on my camera, but it was all blurry. I remember thinking it was my drunken vision, but actually it's the craziest blurriest, most colourful film I've ever made. Ciana ended up dancing all on her own in the middle of the dance floor, which was HILARIOUS. I couldn't stop her, even though I should've...it was just too funny. Mickey kept looking at all the hot girls throughout the night with Dom, and I hit him lightly over the head every time sayiong "Aoife aoife aoife". I'd say that whenever he saw someone good looking. I can lie to myself and say I was doing it for Aoife and for him...but really...thats a lie. I was doing it cause I couldn't take it.
And I want you, to want me,
I want you to need me,
Everybody wants to feel needed sometime....
After eating, we started to walk back to theirs...we ran a bit I think...I can't remember. me and Mike were lagging behind, and I'd linked my arm with his, but then he raced me to catch up with the others and I can't remember if he linked arms with me again...maybe...I dunno. We stopped at the corner leading up to their road and me and him sat on the wall while Dom and Ciana sat on the wall just round a bend from us and talked. This was when he talked about Aoife for ages...
About how perfect she was, and how clever, and how fucking funny she was. And how, he was in a place where, right now, if he could, he'd marry her. I ended up sitting on the floor with my back to the wall, and pulled him down to join me. It hurt to hear him talking about her like that...talking about her at all...but I let him...because at least it meant we were talking. But it just made me so sad...and sorta angry...because what right did he have to give me such mixed messages? I dunno if I'd prefer it if he ignored me completely, or treated me like a complete friend, rather than be flirty with me, cause at least then I'd understand. But maybe that's what he thinks he's doing...and I just look for whats not there.
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you know...
....Why do you sing with me, at all?...
He kept going on about how much he needed cigarettes, and even though I'd spent most of the time in the bar where Ciana was dancing on the bar, physically pulling him away from the cigarette machine, and holding his face so he'd look me in the eye when I told him no, and he didn't need to, and he could quit and what not, even though I'd done all that, at that moment I didn't care anymore. And in some ways, I think I needed one too. And it was always anything to stop him talking about Aoife. So we told Dom and Ciana we were going to Burger King (HAHA) which we knew was shut, and set off back towards the strip. We eventually found the place where we'd got food, shutters half pulled down, but the guy said we could come in. He had lighters and everything.
So then....then we went down to the beach. And it was amazing. We were gonna sit in one of the swan peddaloes, and me, in my drunken amazingness, climbed swiftly into one before he did (I always wanna climb things when I'm drunk...) but then he saw how dirty it was and made me get out. We ended up lying on two sun beds in stead. We weren't touching, but we were close together, and it was so chilled out. I took one of his cigarettes and lit up and it was EXACTLY what I needed. I've never been so chilled, just lying there, in the dark, on a sun bed, with the waves crashing in the distance, talking about all sorts of crap with him.
He asked me about bras and bra sizes. I couldn't answer for a long time cause I was laughing, but in the end I gave him a lesson. He wanted to buy Aoife one I guess, so I asked if she was bigger than me or smaller, and probably that she'd be bigger cause I was quite small. Then he said "I don't meant his in a pervy way or anything, but yours look pretty big." that made me grin like anything. At some point, I can't remember when, he just reached out and grabbed one, which caught me off guard completely, but I was so drunk I didnt care and just found it mildly amusing. Though even sober I dont think I'd care. Mwhaha. He said hers were bigger. Bitch. haha...no. But he also said "ah why are yours so good to touch?!" I cant remember if he said that then, or if he said it later when we were walking back, and he did it again. *laughs and shakes her head* it was so funny to see him confused about something, and not being the master of all things. Earlier on, in the first club, he'd told us all that he's slept with 4 different people, the first when he was like...13 or 14 I think. I begged him to tell me that one of them wasn't Pearl...but he just looked at me and didn't say anything. Bitch. I fucking hate that girl. I didn't mean to make it sound like such a bad thing that she had been one, but I couldn't help it. He deserves so much BETTER than that slag. gah! Anyway, Dom's apparently slept with only Mary and Debbie (aww cuteness) and Ciana finally went for it, with Rob, which if perfect and I'm so happy for her. Anyway...
As I was saying, it was nice to know that he wasn't that confident in all areas, and that I could teach him at least something. I offered to go shopping with him for something for her...but luckily, he never took me up on the offer, not when he was sober anyway.
At some point, when we were lying down...I got cold and tired suddenly, and curled up on a ball with his jumper on (again...mwhahaha, the same one as from the last night) and pulled the hood over my head. I could see him looking down at me, and I desperately wanted him to hug me...or something...cause I was getting lonely in that horrible drunken way...but he didn't...
Be my friend, hold me,
Wrap me up, unfold me,
I am small and needy,
Warm me up and breathe me...
But he didn't....
And so I turned onto my front, and stupidly, looked up just in time to see Dom and Ciana walking along the road above us. I also stupidly pointed this out to him, meaning he then called them down to us, meaning that they made us go home. which I guess was fair enough as it was almost 6am...but I so wanted to watch the sunrise on that beach, just me and him, or at least have one more cigarette. Alas...no...and it'll probably never happen again, but in those moments, I was closer to him than I can ever remember being. That whole night especially...but then...we were just like everything I've ever wanted in a guy friend. Earlier on, when we'd been sitting with our backs to the wall, we'd started on some quite deep convos about family and stuff...and about why Kate was being a bit moody and how I thought it was to do with me (her seeing my scars...although I didnt say that...came close...but only hinted) and I thought that finally we might break down some actual boundaries...but he kept saying "Family stuff should stay in the family". He did ask if I ever felt like the black sheep though, and I laughed so blankly that he gave me a weird look. I guess I'm not alone in that feeling...and their family isn't as perfect as it seems. I guess he didn't wanna ruin that image that we have of each others' families...which is fair enough. He seemed to half want to talk about it, but then seemed to think better of it...I dunno.
Anyway, when we were walking back, him having a secret smoke, and me with my arm linked through his and strolling along happily, talking freely I was happy again. He mentioned how we always talk when we're drunk...but in the day there seem to be silences between us. I said that I'd noticed it...but I dont think I gave any reason for it...we just promised each other that it'd be different the next day.
Me and Dom walked back to ours, and made friends with a ginger cat, of whom I have about 7 blurred photos on my phone. I didn't get up the next day until 2...
That night, I swear...it was amazing. I wanna go clubbing there again. So many free drinks! We payed for literally about...2! Hahaha! and we got about 16! *dances* each! And with him as well...someone who doesnt care what they look like when they're dancing cause they're that drunk. Someone who'll go on secret treks and adventures with me, and just chill...and somehow, have exactly the same thoughts and fears in his head as mine, although we'd never speak them.
There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There's still a little bit of your face, I haven't kissed,
You step a little closer each day,
That I can't say, what's going on...
I'm tired...and my fingers are cramping. And this is probably so bloody LONG. Nothing else much happened. Failures of days, days that should have been amazing, but went wrong cause we were on a different boat and so split up from them all day. Crappy last nights where no one was drunk enough, and Mickey seemed very standoffish, dreams where he said he couldn't wait for us to go home, me telling him that the day after, on our last day, and him not saying anything. Blah...the silences still being there. Him saying he couldn't wait to get home, because home meant Aoife...
And me...just left to miss him everynight, and wish he hadn't taken his jumper back, because his smell was so comforting.
But now...I've done it I guess. The general gist of our holiday, and the development, or not, as the case may be, of my relationship with him.
The last thing though...the thing that sorta...haunts me...was the look he gave me when I was sitting in the back of the taxi waiting for it to leave. We'd said goodbye...it hadn't been a particularly long hug, and I'd not wanted to let go...but it was a goodbye. I sat inbetween Kate and Dom in the back of this taxi, leaning forward slightly to see them and get a last look at him. And he was looking right back at me...I think. I'm pretty sure of it. And he looked...I dunno...I can't really describe it. Sadder than I've ever seen him look, yet thoughtful at the same time...slightly lost...haunted...I don't know. It was so solemn...his big brown eyes were giving Bob a run for his money on the scale of sadness and puppy dogness...I just looked back at him, so shocked by the intensity of it, and I couldn't sort my head out, I could barely hold his gaze, but I tried. I should have smiled, waved...something, to see he was looking at me and not just all of us...but...I've never seen him look like that before...I can't describe it...but it left me feeling very unsure about everything.
And the look on your face...it's delicate...
I'm off to bed now I guess...that's it for now...unless I've forgotten anything vital. I'll cya guys tmrw...
Sorry this is so long...but you should know the bill by now. The obsession...the pain and the longing and the pure loss I feel. How much I fucking miss him, and regret stuff and just WISH I could go back and re do things...A lot happened that may give me things to think about, to contemplate...but I could also have imagined them. And I'll never know...
But for now...It's Goodnight. And thankyou for reading.
I Love You All...
Here's to you and your lover girl
I got years to wait around for you
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
You gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away
And I die when you mention her name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were runnin' in the rain
What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?
Here's to you and your lover girl
I just hang around and eat from a can
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from me
I die when she comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone
What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?
Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...
I have to just get over it...because...I can't wait around for something that might never happen. And even if it did...what's the point? he lives in Ireland, I live in England. He said it himself about Dom and Ciana and why they never can. He said it him fucking self. Yet I still hang on. I lie to myself and say I can treat him with indifference...but I can't...
And moving on is the hardest thing I can think of doing. because I don't want to...he makes me too happy to think about, but at the time time, he rips me apart inside. They both do, and always have, and probably always will. Bloody cousins as well...Fuck.
I'm all wrapped up in you,
All wrapped up in him too,
Prepare myself for a war
And I don't know what i'm doing this for
Trying to let it all go
But how can I when you still don't know?
~I quote others only to better express myself
-Michel de Montaigne