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18 June 2006 @ 12:53 pm
I feel absolutely rotten. My glands have been massively swollen for days and they're getting worse not better.
This is not good as I am about to face an extremely hard week with two exams which I couldn't be less prepared for.
I'm on the verge of complete and utter panic over them, if I think about it too much I could quite possibly have a nervous breakdown. I hope the Cold War exam will be okay...I just need to go through everything today. At least in that exam I'll have sources to guide me. In the Vietnam one on Friday...I'm going to be lost. I think I could spend a good portion of that exam crying and wondering how to even start the 8 page essay I have to write in 1 1/4 hours. It's impossible. Absolutely impossible.
All I want to do it go to bed. I am so very tired, and my head is throbbing. It aches all over...I ache all over.
Argh! I should have been listening to mum, I should have gotten more sleep recently and worked more. I feel so unwell. I've been putting a lot of it down to hay fever but now it's gone beyond that and I realise my streaming eyes and running nose are the signs of a very bad cold and not too much pollen.

I'll stop complaining...I just...hurt. I'll go and take some paracetamol in a second. Parrots eat em all.

I've been thinking about what I can do with my big art book Kate stole for me from the art department. I've decided I'll start the first few pages with a scrapbook style of stuff from New York. I have numerous photos which are more arty blurs of colour than any definitive, so I think I'll go for the all out colourful look. *laughs slightly* And I've got my boarding pass and MOMA ticket and maps etc.

I am currently unable to forgive myself for something...
I realised the day I got back from NY that I'd forgotten Anna's anniversary. It's been 5 years...I guess maybe I think that's enough mourning now I can forget her. I hate myself for it...I haven't said anything to anyone. I haven't tried to contact Dessy or email Lis and say I'm thinking of her. I haven't mentioned her at all, even after realising. A few days ago I tried to log into the email folder Lis had on yahoo with Anna's pictures in. It's been deleted due to inactivity. It's like...we've forgotten her. But we haven't, I haven't. I just wanted to see those pictures...my ones got deleted with the old computer like everything else from my old life did. Like all those emails from everyone I had, my sole thing from Anna to me that I had after she died...all deleted when I didn't pay another.com for resubscription to my account cause I was in Ireland at the time and forgot.

I hate losing things like that...it's utterly devestating because you can never get them back. It was all such a massive part of my life, that completely changed me and affected me to no end. I guess that's the thing Peter thinks I have about me, the thing I hold back and don't tell anyone, the thing I keep to myself which he wants to know because he finds it intriguing.
I wouldn't know how to go about explaining it all. I've forgotten how I let it all out to Izzie...I wouldn't know where to start now.
I didn't even say anything to Andy or Jack about Anna. I feel so guilty that while I was out having a great time in a new city, living my life...I was forgetting to honour her memory. She'd be coming up to her 19th birthday...3rd July. 4 days before mine. I wonder what she'd be like now...what she'd be doing with her life, where she'd be going to college. She had so much talent I can only imagine where she'd be right now...

I need to go and take some paracetemol because my head is getting unbearable. Also, now it smells distinctly of cat spray for some reason and it's horrible. There were massive cat fights all of last night so no wonder they're getting all territorial. I just wish they wouldn't...it's foul.

Anyway...medicine and then dressed and then Cold War cramming. If my head can take it.
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Massive Attack - Angel
16 June 2006 @ 04:44 pm
Hmm...so maybe prodigal isn't right. I'm just pointing out that it's been an age and a day since I showed my LJ some love.

So...I'm back here because I have been having some serious obsession. This seems to be where I go when I'm obsessing to ridiculous degrees so that my sanity is broken.

Last time it was History Boys (which I can't bear to think about cause I can't deal with the LOVE. The reason I have disappeared from the community I'm afraid...) and now...
now it's something entirely different.
Now it's Prison Break.
And I cannot get away from it. I do not need this right now, I'm in the middle of my A-Levels, the most important exams of my life so far...and yet I can't work. I find myself reading fanfiction, watching every episode repeatedly, rewinding and watching little sections over and over, pausing on certain expressions, giggling like a fangirl at Wentworth's smile. The thing that's got me at the moment is icons. I've always had a secret love for icons but I've never really used them. Probably because I always feel spoilt for choice and knew I'd get all flustered if I tried to pick one. I'm not organised or methodical enough to change them regularly. Hence why I've had this Sirius one for abour 3 years. Ah well...
So I just keep them in a little prison break folder on my computer and look at them every day and grin.

I might try making some of my own...I've been looking for tutorials for photoshop but it's all quite basic stuff. If anyone has any good tutorials for becoming an icon pro I will love you forever.

Hmm...LJ's changed a lot since I last used it.
I think the thing that always kept me away from using LJ more often, was the fact that this was never my account. Someone gave it to me in the days when you had to be invited, or whatever it was. It was one of Amber's old accounts. I never liked the name...which I guess is why I rarely use it. Also, there are a lot of things I don't understand about it and how to use it.

This post doesn't really have any relevance. I just made a pretty lame Wentworth icon which I will change my user pic to...I am too much of a perfectionist so I guess something create and arty like making icons with I will never be happy with. It's the way it goes.

I had my drama set text exam today...wasn't too great...second question was pretty awful actually, but I take solace in the fact that I will never have to write a text essay ever again. WOHOOO! Morley didn't even know it was today, which is quite funny. He was meant to check our texts for too much writing, but he didn't. Lucky for me cause I forgot to rub all mine out. Not that I used it.

Hmm...so it's a lonely night in for me tonight. I was meant to go over to Lydia's with Izzie so we could have gap year planning talks, but Lyd's ill so it's not happening. I should do some Cold War revision but I'd rather stab pencils in my eyes to be honest.
Kate and Keith are meeting Ben and going to see Blood Brothers...I wouldn't mind going, but I think they want some family time. Also I'm knackered.
Also maybe that means I can go and get a video from the video shop and say hello to the hot guy who I like to think looks like Wentworth. It's a shame he thinks I'm scamming them for money.

I want Kate to come home from Cambridge already so I can make her watch the rest of Prison Break and she can get as fangirl obsessed as I am and then I can have someone to share my explosions of excitement and love with. Katie Gibbons just doesn't do it...she's not the fandom type, it's rather annoying as she's the only other living soul I know who watches it. Which is why I've resorted to forcing it on my sister in large doses! Mwhahaha!
Actually, I was speaking to Ben about it last night, apparently he thinks it's great too...but obviously not to such an obsessed state. I got a bit hyper animated when I was explaining it to his friend Tom. Ah well...

Soooo...I'm trying not to stress about the next few weeks. Exams, leavers' service and ball (which I need to find a dress for even though I am fat as fat can be at the moment. Crapit.) theatre trips and then...then my 18th. Argh! I need to organise something but I'm the most unorganised person EVER.
Right...I'll be off for now. No doubt there will be more prison break love soon.
04 October 2005 @ 02:56 pm
Well this is really exciting. I'm at school using one of the new laptop tablets and am using a pen to write on the screen instead of typing. Then the clever computer turns it into text. It is slower, but much more exciting. I'm annoyed because my school is rubbish and have blocked every decent site that exists. So I'm bored and have resorted to writing in LJ haven't done this in a while really. So then, {need to book tickets to Manchester on the train on Saturday. they'll be expensive, but hopefully there win still be some left. I need to ask Isabel what train we are getting but she doesn't know! CraPneSS! Wow, I love the way this doesn't understand my handwriting,
Amazing. I only had 2 lessons today. double history. The rest of my day is free, but have to stay at school for rehearsals until 6. 30, where I Sit and make myself feel important by doing techie Stuff... Yet all day I have done NOTHING! I've wasted 5 free periods playing on this machine instead of doing work which I now have todo another time. Bah! Silly Jess. So, essentially, though these new computers are really good for the school... they're bad for me and my work drive. Not that a work drive exists in my mind anyway. Roar, lane so bored. Maybe I'Ll start my Brecht essay. yes.
Bye then!
Jess... Aryana xxx
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: the sound of the school library.
13 April 2005 @ 03:06 pm
Fun time Sally
I'm annoyed. I took loads of photos of techie stuff and different lights and the stage with different lights and stuff, all for art, which I have next...
But everything is against me so I can't print them off in time. Ballacks.

So instead, I will amuse myself with Icons

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Favourite Colour
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Favourite Colour
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Favourite Colour
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Favourite Colour
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Argh...now I have to go to art.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Your Mum

Weelllll...my Dad's acting like a spoilt brat. Ha. For a change. Wanker. Sometimes I wonder who the kid is and who the parent is.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is, this might be where I start writing about Lanzarote. Because really...I can't get it out of my head. It's weird, because all week I was craving to write about everything I was feeling somewhere where people could comfort, rather than just my crappy handwritten diary. Blah...I dunno. But it's so hard to know where the hell to even start. It's gonna be long...I warn you now...

Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before...

And so...it starts...

But I live a hundred
Lifetimes in a day
But I die a little
In every breath that I take

Amen omen
Will I see your face again
Amen omen
Can I find the place within
To live my life without you

I listen to a whisper
Slowly drift away
Silence is the loudest
Parting word you never say
I put your world
Into my veins
Now a voiceless sympathy
Is all that remains

It was weird I guess...because his style has changed a lot since October. I think it's Aoife's influence...so maybe she's good for one thing. I dunno. He said it was his friend Rob getting him into all the good music like Radiohead and stuff...He was wearing baggy (ish) jeans, cool t shirts and big trainers like DCs (but cheaper...good old lanzarote) And his hair was long again. I wanted to play with it the whole time. I did most of the time actually. haha....god I'm SO subtle when I'm drunk. *makes a face*

On the Thursday night, as I said before, we went out for a meal in the harbour. Mary and Ciana told me that Noah dies in Home and Away, by accident, and I almost burst into tears. I saw it today actually...well when Hayley says goodbye to his ghost. Ha...but still. It was fucking sad, and I can't believe I missed him dying. I fucking love Noah, he's the reason I watch the bloody thing! Anyway, we ate, we drank, Mickey gave me his jumper, it smelled good, I got chatted up by these guys who were sitting downstairs when the place was shutting (we were always the last to leave, after most of the staff and everything) and I was wondering around looking for the toilet, we had shots and lollipops, we left, some people went home, I went to a wicked irish pub, a tiny place called 'Craic n ceol' where they had cheap drinks and live music everynight. I was there with Mickey, Dom, Rob, Denise and eventually John, after he walked Mary, Ciana and Holly back to theirs. I can't really remember much. It was quite hard to talk cause the music was so loud, but when we did talk, Mickey always leaned really close to my ear *smiles sadly* making it seem like I was the only person in the world he wanted to talk to. I dont think he spoke like that to other people...but then again I could have just blocked it out to make myself feel special.

In this pub there was this black guy who called himself John Murphy and who tried to sell everyone sunglasses and cheap watches. The night before he'd tried to buy Ciana from Rob for 5 camels, so there was on ongoing joke throughout the holiday about camels. He kept asking me where I got my ass from and I kept snorting and telling him to fuck off, cause I mean, what the hell dya say to that? And then he tried to buy me for 50 camels. I was quite flattered by this, but was not so flattered when he shoved all his watches and sunglasses into Dom's hands, grabbed me and tried to drag me off, and Dom did nothing but looked pleased with all the watches etc. Haha...nah, he pulled me back pretty quickly. I wish I cudve gaged Mickey's reaction to that. meh...anyway. We all had LOADS of shots of  jegemeister and I was on the vodka/malibu/JD and cokes as well, so when I had some coke left over and asked Dom to get me a shot of whiskey to mix it with, he didn't quite understand. He got everyone a round of jegemeister and me a shot of whiskey and I had to knock it back like everyone else was. I swear it almost came right back up, cause whiskey is NOT something I can down easily. Haha...anyway, we were pretty gone by the time we left. Rob and Denise went back a bit before us and we came later, going back to their apartment. I can't really remember much...we had a shot of southern comfort then. Mary was asleep on Mickey's bed...Mick must've given me another jumper to take home, cause I had one of his in my bed for days after that. Umm...we tried to go to Burger King, but found it shut (not surprising, it was about 3am), so me and Dom got a taxi back my mumbling some random spanish sounding streetnames at the cab driver. I grabbed a MD of Mickey just before we got in...I dunno where it came from, but it had the BBC edit or Idiotech that he kept telling me to listen to on it so *shrugs* Kate let us in when we got back, and I fell into bed. I snuggled up to Mickey's jumper which, quite frankly, smelled amazing, and listened to his MD for a bit before conking out.

Was woken up by Holly the next morning, far too early for my liking. Crawled out of bed about 10 minutes later and got myself dressed. Can't remember much about the day. We sat around the pool and read and played ball and stuff. I've got a 5 minute video of them all in the pool on my phone I think. I still marvel at how fit Mickey is *dreamy grin* 6 pac and all. Yay..

Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Can't take my eyes off of you,
Until I get a knife, and cut them out...

 Umm...hmm...lost my thread there.

Hmm...I really can't remember for fuck what we did that night. We were meant to go see some Elvis thing...but thankfully, we didn't. We ended up back at John and Mary's complex, where some Elvis guy was finishing, but I blocked him out by drinking lots of Tequila Sunrises. Mwhaha... That was a pretty uneventful night I think. Apart from me and Mary ripping the piss outta Mickey towards the end of the night for being totally whipped. He said he wasn't, and that you weren't whipped if you went somewhere because you wanted to be there because the girlfriend was there. We just laughed in his face, but inside I was crying. ha...Ha...Fuck.

Umm, what else? I dunno. The next night we had a barbecue at ours. Mickey did all the cooking...and he looked BUFF while he did it. The food was tasty as anything and I wanted to marry him there and then. I barely spoke to him either of those two nights actually...he spoke to Dom the whole time, cause Dom didn't have anyone else to talk to really as John was always talking to Mary or the adults and Ciana the same. So him and Mickey stuck together quite a lot. They get on really well actually...

I think it was Wednesday, that day when we had the barbecue, when Kate saw some recent scars on my leg. She asked what they were, which made me angry cause she fucking well knew exactly what they were and didn't need to bring it up in front of Grandma. She said they looked like mums oven burns and asked what they were, I just looked at them, grunted, shrugged and went back to reading. I couldn't be fucked. I could have said they were burns from my straighteners cause they could well be, but I couldnt be fucked to lie anymore. She sat there looking so troubled for ages, and I felt so bad...but I just didn't know what to do. I guess her asking that then added to why I broke down in the middle of the street a bit later. Me, Dom and dad were heading down to the pier to meet the Moorcrofts for a bit of bananaboating and parascending. I jumped off the wall from our short cut and stretched my arm out to lean on dad so I could take my shoes off and empty them of stones. Stupid really, and I regretted it the minute I did it, cause I was wearing a vest top and knew he'd see. He asked immediately what they were and I just turned away. I didn't know what the fuck to say. Dom was standing right there, we were in the middle of the street and with every silent second dad just said "jess, what the fuck is that?" I asked him, in my best moody teenager impression what he thought they were, after gasping and trying not to cry and saying that I thought he knew, cause I did...I was certain mum had told him. He asked if I 'abused' myself. Without even thinking, I came out with the old line of 'I used to' and then just burst into tears saying that I hated them, and they never went away and you could see them all the time and couldnt hide them and I hated them. Which...which is fucking true actually. I hate those ones on my arms...I want them to go so badly.

I have to give dad credit actually...he took it so well. He just gave me a big hug and calmed me down and said it was okay as long as I wasn't doing it anymore. I ignored that and just took deep breaths. We carried on walking, I couldnt even look at Dom. I still have no idea if he knew what the hell was going on. I told dad about the scar removal cream as well actually, and we said we could look into it, definitely, when we got back. But now...I don't know how to even approach it. It costs 33quid. Bugger.

Anyway...so that was stressful. I was just about calmed down when we reached the bottom of the road leading up to the Craic n Ceol which was lucky cause I saw Mickey in a phone box right beside us. Me and Dom went up to him and said stuff like "oooh Aoife, I miss you, oooooh" and crap like that...but once again...inside I was crying. Ha...I dunno...in a weird way which isn't weird at all and which I understand perfectly, I wouldn't have minded that much if Mick had picked up on something being wrong. But he didn't...he just spoke to Dom and I walked silently behind them down to the Pier, all too aware of the scars now.

I was all too aware of them the entire holiday. I wonder what it would be like to be able to show some flesh without constantly being jumpy, and having to shift into a position that would possibly hide them everytime I see someone's eyes shift in my direction. I think Ciana saw one on my leg...but it was hard to say because she had sunglasses on.

Anyway...it was not a good aspect to the holiday, but it's something I have to live with. I should be used to it by now.

After the barbecue, we went out to Craic n Ceol again, and met up with this other family they know, who were leaving the next day. I wasn't really in the mood, especially cause there were two girls and Mickey seemed happy to see them. Actually though, one was closer to Holly's age, and the other, Jenny, was really nice and I spoke to her loads. I was sitting next to Mick, but there was a wall sorta inbetween us, so it was hard to talk. Him and the others were more in the corner, on another table, so it was almost impossible to join in the conversation, but Mary, god love her, made sure we were incorporated as much as possible. I didn't really know what to say to Jenny, I mean, she was so nice, but I'm just so crap at small talk with new people. Luckily, Mickey soon began to help me out, and we actually had some good talks. I felt surprisingly sick after just one Malibu and coke and half a vodka a coke. You have to keep in mind that the idea of a shot in Lanzarote is basically about 3 shots poured into one very narrow glass with a lot of ice and barely and room for a mixer. Very cheap! But still, I was very disappointed in myself for feeling so sick so soon, but I didn't know what it was. In the end, Mick got up to go to the toilet, which meant I had to get up, so I went and sat on a windowsil outside. Denise came to see if I was okay, being a proper mum (god I love that woman) and when she went back inside, Mickey came out a minute later. He sat down very close to me and we talked for a bit about...I have no idea what. He suggested we went back inside. I didn't really want to, but also didn't want him to resent having come out to see if I was okay, so I went back in. The fact that he even came out, when he wanted to be inside was really nice, and I didn't mind going back in that much.

He got quite merry quite quickly and we spoke about John's 21st. He insists that he introduced Aoife to me, which is a pile of crap. I was drunk, but not THAT drunk. I would have remembered her, without a doubt. He started to say something, but then stopped. He insisted it wasn't anything bad about me or Jenny but simply that it would make him look like a fool and he wasn't drunk enough yet. I really wanted to know, so me and jen tried to get him more drunk and get the answer from it...but we didn't. I still don't know what it was. haha...I eventually got up the courage to (after hesitating and teasing like he had, knocking back some southern comfort and taking a deep breath) ask how Bob was. This then lead onto a conversation about him which was great. Mickey said I must've had a great time at John's 21st. I asked why, and he said cause I spoke to Bob all night. I said it was only because he (Mickey)was ignoring me and I didn't know anyone else. He of course, denied that. I stupidly didn't ask how he knew I was talking to Bob all night-if he'd seen, which would mean he looked for me more than once, or if Bob had said it when they went back, which would be amazing cause it meant Bob mentioned me haha, and also that Mickey remembered it, drunk as he was. I dunno...I read into things too much.

Anyway...that was the night Mickey told me that Aoife would be coming to Germany with us in November. I managed to plaster a poker face up, but my heart broke inside. I don't know if I could manage seeing them together. Germany was amazing last time, and I've been looking forward to it SO much...but if she's there *shakes her head* Maybe they won't still be together? *looks hopeful* Ah crap...they've been together 6 months...fuck it. I dunno. That was John and Mary's last night anyway...so big hugs all round. I love Mary, she's so nice, and really quirky sometimes. Very funny and doesn't mind being stupid and silly. I hope they work out!

The next night was a bit crap. We all decided to eat in, so we didn't see them for dinner. We had some nice pasta and stuff, and it wasn't bad...but I was just so bored and felt all locked in and like I was missing something. Dom said he'd ring Rob to see if they wanted to meet up for a drink, and I sat hopefully praying....but....they didn't. Me and Dom ended up watching Sleepers (BRILLIANT film) with a bowl of popcorn which I wasn't allowed to touch cause he gave me his snickers. Blah. Fair deal I guess.

Umm...the next day we went to a volcano place, just me, dad, dom, Grandma and mum. Kate was a bit weird this holiday...I guess she wanted to relax is all. Anyway...it was pretty cool, but not what we expected really. The place we payed to get into was a disappointment, and then we got lost driving around the national park and trying to take the 'scenic' route. We ended up finding this TINY deserted fishing town where the sea crashed against these rocks causing spray of up to 40ft! Me and Dom went really close to them, climbing over rocks and stuff, and ended up getting drenched. I speant the entire time screaming and telling dom to watch out. they sounded like playful screams, full of laughter, but in truth, I was petrified. I've never seen waves that big, the way they just formed out of the water, rolling towards us. They were so unpredictable, you had no idea if they were gonna go crazy and sweep you off. Everynow and again there'd be a MASSIVE one, and everytime that one came round, it was bigger than the last because the tide was coming in. Dom got loads of films, but they're mostly of him running away. he was much closer than I was. Loon.

That night, we ate as separate families. Our meal was a bit of a disappointment, cause Dom and Kate had a hushed fight at the end of the table, and I got angry with him when she speant ages in the toilet, and he lost his temper and ended up calling me a fucking bitch fucking that stupid bitch and fucking that. Anyway...he calmed down eventually, and apologised and I apologised and we rang Rob to find out where they were. They were in a bar called The Crowded House, so after a while we went up to meet them. I was itching to get there, and kept standing up from the table in an oh so subtle hint for everyone to get moving. Kate didn't come out with us, once again, but it was okay. I got a bit tipsy there, and everyone started lecturing me about taking it steady and me being to young and whatnot. That got me a bit angry, but I couldn't be assed to say anything.

Anyway, this night ended up being one of the best of my life. Me, Dom, Ciana and Mickey decided to go clubbing. Fucking brilliant.

The thing you've gotta understand about clubs in Lanzarote, is that you don't pay to get in. In fact, you say to the bouncer/ marketing people outside "what'll you give us if we come in?" and strike up a deal with them. The first place we went to, offered us a free bottle of champagne and two free shots. The guy picked up Ciana and flung her over his shoulder, pretending to go in with her to make us follow, but he put her down eventually. we said we'd have a look around and probably come back, but we didn't in the end. A guy further up the road gave us a pretty good deal. The club its self was more of a bar, and we were the only people in there apart from one bartender, 4 middle ages people and the DJ, but we didn't care much. We payed 6Euro for a drink each, namely a Vodka coke or JD and coke. We ended up getting that drink, 3 free shots, a free cocktail and another of the same drink. 4 of us got all that for about 24 euro. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It was fucking amazing, and I was getting pretty wasted. I gave Dom my last shot, to show that I could be sensible and we then set off to find another place. We went upstairs on the strip to this place above the ground which had music pumping out of it. No one offered us any deals but we just walked in without paying. Woot! It's so BIZARRE! Me and Ciana started dancing right away cause there was some classic dance tune on, I can't remember what...

We went and joined Mickey and Dom after a while, and they were playing pool. Me and Ci-Ci (haha) decided to get a drink so headed to a bar. We saw there was a female barmaid so probab;y wouldnt get any free drinks, so we went looking around the club for the only male bartender. He gave us our drinks cheap and a free shot and a slip saying it was happy hour so we could go back and get the same again for free. We went back to Mickey and Dom and sat down with our drinks. I had a GOOD conversation with Ciana at this moment. She confessed to finding it hard being around Dom and not being able to kiss him, although she never would cause she loves Rob. I agreed completely and confessed my love for Mickey. She then told me that actually, she saw his relationship with Aoife as being quite 1 sided...on mike's part. Apparently he's liked her since 1st year but she never payed him any attention, and then suddenly they're going out, but it still seems like he likes her more. Ciana also said one of the nicest things ever, that she thought I was actually a lot prettier than Aoife, by far and that I'd looked stunning the night of the barbecue. I almost burst into tears. Haha...I gave her a big hug and we talked some more and it was really great.

A few minutes later I was standing up talking to Mickey and...the most amazing thing happened.

I have kissed hard lips
Felt the jaded fingertips
Burn like fire
This burning desire...

 We were talking about my neck thing, for some reason, and I explained that I can handle people touching my neck if I know they're going to do it, and if I trust them. So...he reached under my hair and placed his hand round my neck. I grinned and tried not to freak out, because it was amazing, feeling his skin tingling against mine. Then he asked if he could do something, that would probably make me freak out, and began to tickle me around my ear and then stroke my neck and stroke the hair back from it. I swear, I don't know how I kept standing, or how I didn't kiss him then and there...I've never felt so...I dunno. It was like...all this warmth and electricity going round my neck and it was so NICE and I didn't want him to stop it...but he did...after longer than I'd expected actually. I dunno...I dunno if Ciana or Dom even noticed, but we were right infront of them, and it's the closest I've ever been to him. His face was inches from mine. God it makes me wanna cry just even THINKING about it. But of course...nothing happened...nothing ever does. I can't help wondering what would have happened if Aoife wasn't in the picture. He gives me such mixed messages...I hate it...I just want to UNDERSTAND.

I have run, I have crawled, I have sailed
I have, I have, I have, I have, to be with you, to be with you,
Only to be with you, to be with you,
But I still, still haven't found, just what I'm looking for
But I still, haven't found, what I'm looking for...

Bah, anyway...we drank some more, and laughed at the bar as Ciana made all the barstaff stick a straw in their hair and bend it as if it were a microphone...hard to explain. Had a free shot each, even the guys, and then got dancing again. me and Mickey danced on our own for ages...was great. Ciana and Dom talked and then danced a bit, and we were all dancing by the end. I've never danced so much...it was amazing to dance with someone like Ciana...who LOVES to, and who doesn't care, and will dance to anything and look like anything and do little routines that she knows and join in little routines that I know, just because its then and there and with me and its music...I dunno...it was just so amazing. Probably cause I was absolutely WASTED. At some point, I saw this girl fall to the ground...although I dont remember her falling. The strobe was fucking with my head. I bent down and helped her up, and I think Mickey helped as well, but I couldn't be sure. I asked if she was okay and she seemed to have no idea what the hell was going on. I gave her to her friends who took her outside and then seemed to disappear when I went after them to look for them. *shrugs* Anyway, we left that club after a while and wandered around. We went into paradise something or other, which does all night pizza as well as a club...but the pizza is only in summer (bastards!) so we went to the toilet and left cause it was pretty empty. We had a long talk with the guy outside before walking back in the direction of their house. We got jumped on by some other guys, who offered us free shots at the paradise place and a free shot of tequila and the tequila place. I was well up for that cause I LOVE tequila slammers...so we went in, got that....and then went out the back of that place. I can't remember what happened after that...I think we got to the main strip again and went looking for some food. We found a place doing burgers and chips, and I managed to order two plates of chips entirely in spanish and ask how much they'd cost, even though I was off my face. I was so proud. Go jess! Spanish genius! Ahem...

So we ate...and I kept falling asleep on Mickey's arm but I remember him not being as affectionate as I would have hoped...he was more involved in his food. *sighs* I took loads of pictures of my arm by accident, and then tried to take pictures of him. he never would let me though...I was very upset.

OH! haha..at some point we went into another club, were the bartender and people outside remembered Ciana from when she was there a few years back. The bar guy yelled "BRITNEY!" and gave her a massive hug, as well as the rest of us. He wouldn't give us any free drinks though...bastard. So we were gonna leave, but the guy outside said he'd buy us a free round cause he remembered Ciana and knew she was a valued customer and stuff. So me and Ci got a blue wkd each, which I usually can't stand, but then could hardly taste. Ciana ended up dancing on the bar, which is apparently why they remembered her from last time. Haha... Umm...I made a film of her dancing on my camera, but it was all blurry. I remember thinking it was my drunken vision, but actually it's the craziest blurriest, most colourful film I've ever made. Ciana ended up dancing all on her own in the middle of the dance floor, which was HILARIOUS. I couldn't stop her, even though I should've...it was just too funny. Mickey kept looking at all the hot girls throughout the night with Dom, and I hit him lightly over the head every time sayiong "Aoife aoife aoife". I'd say that whenever he saw someone good looking. I can lie to myself and say I was doing it for Aoife and for him...but really...thats a lie. I was doing it cause I couldn't take it.

And I want you, to want me,
I want you to need me,
Everybody wants to feel needed sometime....

After eating, we started to walk back to theirs...we ran a bit I think...I can't remember. me and Mike were lagging behind, and I'd linked my arm with his, but then he raced me to catch up with the others and I can't remember if he linked arms with me again...maybe...I dunno. We stopped at the corner leading up to their road and me and him sat on the wall while Dom and Ciana sat on the wall just round a bend from us and talked. This was when he talked about Aoife for ages...

About how perfect she was, and how clever, and how fucking funny she was. And how, he was in a place where, right now, if he could, he'd marry her. I ended up sitting on the floor with my back to the wall, and pulled him down to join me. It hurt to hear him talking about her like that...talking about her at all...but I let him...because at least it meant we were talking. But it just made me so sad...and sorta angry...because what right did he have to give me such mixed messages? I dunno if I'd prefer it if he ignored me completely, or treated me like a complete friend, rather than be flirty with me, cause at least then I'd understand. But maybe that's what he thinks he's doing...and I just look for whats not there.

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you know...
....Why do you sing with me, at all?...

He kept going on about how much he needed cigarettes, and even though I'd spent most of the time in the bar where Ciana was dancing on the bar, physically pulling him away from the cigarette machine, and holding his face so he'd look me in the eye when I told him no, and he didn't need to, and he could quit and what not, even though I'd done all that, at that moment I didn't care anymore. And in some ways, I think I needed one too. And it was always anything to stop him talking about Aoife. So we told Dom and Ciana we were going to Burger King (HAHA) which we knew was shut, and set off back towards the strip. We eventually found the place where we'd got food, shutters half pulled down, but the guy said we could come in. He had lighters and everything.

So then....then we went down to the beach. And it was amazing. We were gonna sit in one of the swan peddaloes, and me, in my drunken amazingness, climbed swiftly into one before he did (I always wanna climb things when I'm drunk...) but then he saw how dirty it was and made me get out. We ended up lying on two sun beds in stead. We weren't touching, but we were close together, and it was so chilled out. I took one of his cigarettes and lit up and it was EXACTLY what I needed. I've never been so chilled, just lying there, in the dark, on a sun bed, with the waves crashing in the distance, talking about all sorts of crap with him.

He asked me about bras and bra sizes. I couldn't answer for a long time cause I was laughing, but in the end I gave him a lesson. He wanted to buy Aoife one I guess, so I asked if she was bigger than me or smaller, and probably that she'd be bigger cause I was quite small. Then he said "I don't meant his in a pervy way or anything, but yours look pretty big." that made me grin like anything. At some point, I can't remember when, he just reached out and grabbed one, which caught me off guard completely, but I was so drunk I didnt care and just found it mildly amusing. Though even sober I dont think I'd care. Mwhaha. He said hers were bigger. Bitch. haha...no. But he also said "ah why are yours so good to touch?!" I cant remember if he said that then, or if he said it later when we were walking back, and he did it again. *laughs and shakes her head* it was so funny to see him confused about something, and not being the master of all things. Earlier on, in the first club, he'd told us all that he's slept with 4 different people, the first when he was like...13 or 14 I think. I begged him to tell me that one of them wasn't Pearl...but he just looked at me and didn't say anything. Bitch. I fucking hate that girl. I didn't mean to make it sound like such a bad thing that she had been one, but I couldn't help it. He deserves so much BETTER than that slag. gah! Anyway, Dom's apparently slept with only Mary and Debbie (aww cuteness) and Ciana finally went for it, with Rob, which if perfect and I'm so happy for her. Anyway...

As I was saying, it was nice to know that he wasn't that confident in all areas, and that I could teach him at least something. I offered to go shopping with him for something for her...but luckily, he never took me up on the offer, not when he was sober anyway.

At some point, when we were lying down...I got cold and tired suddenly, and curled up on a ball with his jumper on (again...mwhahaha, the same one as from the last night) and pulled the hood over my head. I could see him looking down at me, and I desperately wanted him to hug me...or something...cause I was getting lonely in that horrible drunken way...but he didn't...

Be my friend, hold me,
Wrap me up, unfold me,
I am small and needy,
Warm me up and breathe me...

But he didn't....

And so I turned onto my front, and stupidly, looked up just in time to see Dom and Ciana walking along the road above us. I also stupidly pointed this out to him, meaning he then called them down to us, meaning that they made us go home. which I guess was fair enough as it was almost 6am...but I so wanted to watch the sunrise on that beach, just me and him, or at least have one more cigarette. Alas...no...and it'll probably never happen again, but in those moments, I was closer to him than I can ever remember being. That whole night especially...but then...we were just like everything I've ever wanted in a guy friend. Earlier on, when we'd been sitting with our backs to the wall, we'd started on some quite deep convos about family and stuff...and about why Kate was being a bit moody and how I thought it was to do with me (her seeing my scars...although I didnt say that...came close...but only hinted) and I thought that finally we might break down some actual boundaries...but he kept saying "Family stuff should stay in the family". He did ask if I ever felt like the black sheep though, and I laughed so blankly that he gave me a weird look. I guess I'm not alone in that feeling...and their family isn't as perfect as it seems. I guess he didn't wanna ruin that image that we have of each others' families...which is fair enough. He seemed to half want to talk about it, but then seemed to think better of it...I dunno.

Anyway, when we were walking back, him having a secret smoke, and me with my arm linked through his and strolling along happily, talking freely I was happy again. He mentioned how we always talk when we're drunk...but in the day there seem to be silences between us. I said that I'd noticed it...but I dont think I gave any reason for it...we just promised each other that it'd be different the next day.

Sadly...it wasn't.

Me and Dom walked back to ours, and made friends with a ginger cat, of whom I have about 7 blurred photos on my phone. I didn't get up the next day until 2...

That night, I swear...it was amazing. I wanna go clubbing there again. So many free drinks! We payed for literally about...2! Hahaha! and we got about 16! *dances* each! And with him as well...someone who doesnt care what they look like when they're dancing cause they're that drunk. Someone who'll go on secret treks and adventures with me, and just chill...and somehow, have exactly the same thoughts and fears in his head as mine, although we'd never speak them.


There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There's still a little bit of your face, I haven't kissed,
You step a little closer each day,
That I can't say, what's going on...

I'm tired...and my fingers are cramping. And this is probably so bloody LONG. Nothing else much happened. Failures of days, days that should have been amazing, but went wrong cause we were on a different boat and so split up from them all day. Crappy last nights where no one was drunk enough, and Mickey seemed very standoffish, dreams where he said he couldn't wait for us to go home, me telling him that the day after, on our last day, and him not saying anything. Blah...the silences still being there. Him saying he couldn't wait to get home, because home meant Aoife...

And me...just left to miss him everynight, and wish he hadn't taken his jumper back, because his smell was so comforting.

But now...I've done it I guess. The general gist of our holiday, and the development, or not, as the case may be, of my relationship with him.

The last thing though...the thing that sorta...haunts me...was the look he gave me when I was sitting in the back of the taxi waiting for it to leave. We'd said goodbye...it hadn't been a particularly long hug, and I'd not wanted to let go...but it was a goodbye. I sat inbetween Kate and Dom in the back of this taxi, leaning forward slightly to see them and get a last look at him. And he was looking right back at me...I think. I'm pretty sure of it. And he looked...I dunno...I can't really describe it. Sadder than I've ever seen him look, yet thoughtful at the same time...slightly lost...haunted...I don't know. It was so solemn...his big brown eyes were giving Bob a run for his money on the scale of sadness and puppy dogness...I just looked back at him, so shocked by the intensity of it, and I couldn't sort my head out, I could barely hold his gaze, but I tried. I should have smiled, waved...something, to see he was looking at me and not just all of us...but...I've never seen him look like that before...I can't describe it...but it left me feeling very unsure about everything.

And the look on your face...it's delicate...

I'm off to bed now I guess...that's it for now...unless I've forgotten anything vital. I'll cya guys tmrw...

Sorry this is so long...but you should know the bill by now. The obsession...the pain and the longing and the pure loss I feel. How much I fucking miss him, and regret stuff and just WISH I could go back and re do things...A lot happened that may give me things to think about, to contemplate...but I could also have imagined them. And I'll never know...

But for now...It's Goodnight. And thankyou for reading.

I Love You All...

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover girl
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were runnin' in the rain

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover girl
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from me

I die when she comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

I have to just get over it...because...I can't wait around for something that might never happen. And even if it did...what's the point? he lives in Ireland, I live in England. He said it himself about Dom and Ciana and why they never can. He said it him fucking self. Yet I still hang on. I lie to myself and say I can treat him with indifference...but I can't...

And moving on is the hardest thing I can think of doing. because I don't want to...he makes me too happy to think about, but at the time time, he rips me apart inside. They both do, and always have, and probably always will. Bloody cousins as well...Fuck.

I'm all wrapped up in you,
All wrapped up in him too,
Prepare myself for a war
And I don't know what i'm doing this for
Trying to let it all go
But how can I when you still don't know?

And goodnight...

~I quote others only to better express myself
Michel de Montaigne

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Damien Rice-Cheers Darlin'
23 March 2005 @ 01:38 pm
I have spent to majority of my day hugging and smelling my blue adidas zip up, because yes, it smells slightly of Matt and reminds me of how fucking amazing last night was. He looked so funny when he put it on...and surprisingly good.
God I need to sort myself out. I've spent all day day dreaming and doodling and just...smiling to myself and then getting love pains.
I don't really know what to DO with myself this lunch time...I dont feel like hanging out with the usual friends, Izzie's disappeared, doing some YEP thing I think. So...I'm sorta at a loss with what to do. I'm so used to having some techie stuff to do, or a drama performance or something...and it's weird, cause I find myself WANTING to do something like that. I miss it already, and I miss hanging out with Morley, Mr Phillips, Matt, Matt, Miss Putapon and whatnot...it was SO much fun yesterday.
I worked backstage at the talent show, rather than on lights....makes me want to be a Stage Manager even more, but at the same time I kept worrying about the lights as well...
Blah...I dunno.
Anyway, I might go and raid the backstage cupboard in the black box to find some broken stuff to go in my vitrine for art. I'm writing in here cause school sucks and have blocked xanga which is a violation of free speech. Well...I'd think that if I really cared about freedom and rights and stuff, but...meh...I'm not in the mood.
Anyway, yes well...bye!
~Techie Madness xxx

Oh, and in addition, Anna's leaving today, and I feel crap cause I was always mean about her but in the last few days I've actually spoken to her, and she's SO nice and I don't want her to go. I don't want Matt to mope around...cause I can imagine how much it would suck to have my boyfriend go off to Australia and not see them for god knows how long. It'll be weird for him I guess...not having her in school everyday. I dunno...
Apparently in Assembly, when Dr Burne said she was leaving, a few people went "Yes!" And said things like "Now we can have Matt all to ourselves!" It's just like...grow the fuck up children, he's 32 and isn't interested in any of us. Ha...ha...I'm a joke.
Umm...he said taking the job here was the worst mistake of his life, and that he'd been looking for work in other places ever since but no one would have him. Made me feel bad...didn't know he hated it that much.
I dunno, anyway I am going!
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Current Music: The annoying sounds of little children in the computer room
05 March 2005 @ 10:49 pm

Wow it's been a long time. Almost a year actually.
Sort of ironic that the last post I did in here was about the place we stayed in Spain with all the Irish gang, and the first one I do in ages is just before I go away with the same people for a week. Another holiday which will leave me depressed, longing and wishing to be somewhere else when I get back no doubt.

Or maybe not. Maybe...just possibly, I might be getting over him? *makes a face* Somehow, I doubt it. But I don't think about him everyday. Only every other day. And I don't dream about him so much...apart from a few nights ago. And I don't think about texting him. Just e mailing. And I don't look at the pictures I have of him all the time...just when I have nothing better to do.

Damn...guess I'm not then. And a week away with him and just me...and wel 15 other people I've never met before and my family and his family. Haha...how much can it hurt?

Anyway...I came back here to post rather than obsess over the History Boys, cause Phillups commented...which was a shock quite frankly. HC has sorta...dwindled from my life, as much as I didn't want it to. I didn't really have a choice in that matter apparently. Or maybe I did...I don't know. I sure as hell miss it thought...it's just my damned pride keeping me from it. That and the fact that I've been deleted. After dedicating every day of my life (practically) for over 4 years to that place. After being the longest running memeber, the only remaining one from the first term it ever started.

Ha...not that I'm angry or resentful or bitter or anything. Not that I miss it cause it was my home, my paradise.


Anyway, I'll do this to take my mind off it. Stolen from Vikky, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, and miss dearly, like most people at HC...:(


1. copy and pate into your live journal
2. bold the ones that apply

01. I miss somebody right now.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love olives.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I own a lot of books.
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
07. I love to play video games.
08. I've tried marijuana.
09. I've watched porn movies.
10. I have been in a threesome.
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
13. I have acne free skin.
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
15. I curse frequently.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have a hobby.
18. I've been told I have a nice butt.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
20. I'm really, really smart.
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
23. I hate the rain.
24. I'm paranoid at times. (y un chingo)
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free. (still not sure about this one...so going for italic for maybe ;))
26. I need money right now.
27. I love sushi.
28. I talk really, really fast.
29. I have fresh breath in the morning.
30. I have semi-long hair.
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs.
35. I have a twin.
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look...kinda
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
40. I know how to do cornrows.
41. I am usually pessimistic.
42. I have mood swings.
43. I think prostitution should be legalized. This changes day by day
44. I think Britney Spears is hot.
45. I have cheated on a significant other.
46. I have a hidden talent.
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular.
49. I am currently single.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex. It was forced upon me when Lauryn attacked me in the park on the last day of school! Haha...aww...good time
51. I enjoy talking on the phone.
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my LJ.
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer.
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
62. I have a cell phone.
63. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. I don't think so...I've fallen asleep *snorts* Never thrown up thought either. I'm irish...I can handel my drink ;)
66. I love drama.
67. I have never been in a real relationship before.
68. I've rejected someone before.
69. I currently have a crush on someone.
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
71. I want to have children in the future.
72. I have changed a diaper before.
73. I've had the cops called on me before.
74. I bite my nails. To keep them in shape for playing Guitar ;)
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
76. I'm not allergic to anything.
77. I have a lot to learn.
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.... (haha...ha...I wish. *sighs*)
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes.
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
82. I have at least five away messages saved.
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
85. I own the "South Park" movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
88. I enjoy some country music.
89. I love my best friends.
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
99. I'm happy as of this moment.


Well...wasn't that just joyous?

Hello LJ...it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste.

Ha...man that song reminds me of Ser...and Anna...and VWOHP...and that whole fucking summer. Those whole two summers which are the reason for me being who I am. I love them as much as I sometimes hate them.

~Is it good to be back?

Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: The Futureheads-Hounds of Love
20 April 2004 @ 12:51 pm
I was meant to get up at 9am today and start work...fell asleep again and had a wonderful dream...but thats not the point. I got up at 12 and still haven't started any work and it's almost 1. This is my last working day, and I can't afford to waste it...but stupid me is still here writing this, and stupid me stupidly looked in the Spain at Heart brochure and found the place we were at and found the website and...now...blah.

I've got pictures of it though, wheeee
Makes me sad of course...makes me more than sad...I wanna go back there...but meh...I can't...so I can have these to remind me...

Meh...and now its not working, so I was gonna copy this onto xanga and add the pictures there and then copy it back, but xanga won't even let me write an entry.
The gods are against me here...

Bag, oh well I'll try again later...
I'll just give the website if any of you are THAT interested...which I doubt you are ;)


There...cya latrez aligatrez
~Gloomy Me x
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Incubus-11 am
19 April 2004 @ 07:58 pm
If I close my eyes, I could almost be back there.

This song...it's like it's got every sound, touch, taste, sight and smell that I took in for the 4 minutes and 51 seconds it played, wrapped up and captured inside it, for me to open everytime I hear it.

It makes me ache more than I thought was humanly possible...

The sun was just setting and the sky was on fire, disappearing behind the hill across the valley from ours...the sea was shimmering, reflecting the light and colours in the sky and I was sitting with Mickey on my right, Caiman on my left and Bob directly opposite me, enabling me to steal looks at him every now and again and glance down quickly when his eyes were in my direction...

The grass was crunchy under my legs and I was playing with it in my hands, picking blades out and peeling them in half. Caiman and Bob were playing backgammon...again...and Bob's fingers danced across the spaces as they always did when he was marking out his moves, swiftly and accurately, and he'd shift every now and again on his elbow to get a better view of the board...

There were birds twittering off behind the tennis courts and swallows and housemartins were dipping and diving across the pool at regular intervals...

The song was blaring out of Matti's speakers, with that comforting rattle that I'd grown used to over the few days I'd been there, and everytime the words "As he faced the sun he cast no shadow" were sung, I stupidly looked at the sun and smiled.

I didn't want to go home, and I was counting down the days I had left...wondering what could happen, if I could ever be certain...but all the time glad that Caiman was there, cause he'd helped me break the barrier so that I didn't feel too much like a tag along whenever I was with them. He made me welcome, and when he was there, Mickey and Bob weren't scared to show that they wanted me there anymore...They were actually asking me to come watch them play tennis and football tennis, and telling me I didn't need to wait for Kate and Ciana to get ready to go down to the bar...I had so much more fun after that barrier was broken...

I don't want to be here...with school and work looming over me, and mum and dad pissing me off at every free moment they have. I don't want Kate to be ringing up every 10 minutes asking for mum, close to tears...and I don't want Dom locked in the study all day, grumpy cause he has to do all his english essays...

I know I've been saying this non-stop since I got back...and there's no way it'll help or change anything, but I feel if I keep it inside I might just burst. It's hard enough wanting to curl up and cry at night because I know in the morning it won't be sunny, and Rob won't be laughing at my messy hair and hungover eyes as I fall out of bed at 12, just in time for the best sun...and I know my heart won't speed up everytime I see him...cause I won't see him.

There will just be that dull ache there was whenever Evette called him and Matti over for food, or the feeling of disappointment when he went to bed...except it will be constant and there wont be games of boggle to play and there won't be the times of happiness and elation like whenever he was around...cause he won't be around, not until Summer...and possibly, not even then.

~Me and my shadow x
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Oasis-Cast No Shadow
18 April 2004 @ 03:13 pm
This could also be my wand, but I'm not sure if I got mine and Hallie's b day right...it's something like that anyway. I'm always good for protection, which is dandy! Unicorn hair, baby...YEAH!

Ollivanders - Maker of Fine Wands Since 382 B.C. by media_darling
Name/LJ User Name
Which House do you think you would be in?
This wand will choose youEbony (regarded as the most powerful wood with unprecedented protectional qualities) - 12 1/2 inches, Unicorn tail hair core.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

~moi x
18 April 2004 @ 03:07 pm
Wheee look!

Ollivanders - Maker of Fine Wands Since 382 B.C. by media_darling
Name/LJ User Name
Which House do you think you would be in?
This wand will choose youMahogany (excellent for Transfiguration and is a great tool for warding off the Dark Arts) - 11 inches, Phoenix feather core.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Yes, that's right, great for DADA, which is why I'm an auror and DADA professor...and great for Transfiguration, which I loved, and Sirius was fabby at, so basically, Laura Phoenix, HE'S MINE! We were MEANT to be together. Here is the proof! (it does make sense...honest AHEM)

*Dances round*

And Will...Tag...whatever I should call you...you sir, amuse me to no end! Nothing happened at New Years, just a kiss is all, and then he acted like it didn't mean anything, so so did I. He's missed his chance anyway...Bob's in my heart now *grins* Not that he probably wanted a chance anyway...BLAH!
There Laura...happy? Hmm?

I am very impressed with your non existant hangover as well...it's amazing!

Anyway, I have nothing useful to say. For a change ;)

Taggle, the quote rings a bell...is it from Dont You Want Me? I canne remember! And what you used as a title as well...also rings a bell.

Sorry about Mez babe...you'll still see her, and she'll draw you lots of pictures and exciting things like that. Bet Will will miss her too...not, you, the other Will ;)

~J x
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Dashboard Confessionals-Best Deceptions
17 April 2004 @ 07:50 pm
Loser just invited me round to hers tmrw, with Izzie and Lydz to watch the next Eppy of the OC with PIZZA!! And then the next episode straight after on E4. Oh its the most exciting thing in my life! And...I shouldn't own up to that...ahem! But no, siriusly, it's made my day.
I feel like I can forget the work I have to do...the weekend isn't for worrying, Monday and Tuesday are for crying and screaming and tearing things up and contemplating running and never stopping, just so that I can get away from school.

But still, I know I'll be worrying about it secretly at the back of my head...I keep finding more stuff that I've forgotten I have to do! CRAP!!!
I spoke to Lauren last night about the Greek tape, and she said I shouldn't listen to it cause it'll make me want to kill myself. It's just Miss Perkins speaking really slowly and saying things like "So...If...We...Turn...To...Page...5...We...Can...See...That...The...Island...Of...Thrace...Was...In...fact...Next...To...Where...Euxitheus...Was...At...This...Time..."
It's not even the sodding translation! BLAHHHH! I still haven't moved it from where I threw it back down on the breakfast bar when we got back from Spain.

Bob keeps being in my dreams...but I can't quite remember them, and it's SO annoying, cause I'll be grasping at it, and getting snippets but not being able to put them together, and the minute I grasp, the further away it slips...I just want Bob!! *wails* My practice German aural is on his birthday...I'm gonna be so distracted!
Last night Bianca said she was gonna speak German to me when we were drunk, but I forgot...which is good cause she's half german and doing it for A level and I can barely speak a word of it and am going to FAIL my GCSE. Shitsters.
Last night at Livvys wasnt bad at all actually. It was a bit odd at first but once I'd started knocking back the wine (which I do far too easily after that week in Spain...whoops) I was okay, and then I smoked a few cigarettes, and it was all just dandy. Sophie Herbert got it right though...you only realise how drunk you are when you go to the toilet, and it's really quiet, and you realise your falling asleep cause your head's spinning so much it's found the wall to rest on...haha...It happened to both of us :D

I spoke to Kate Lewis tons as well, and me her and Ginette screamed lots about boybands, it was so fun! Only problem is, if she remembers me when we got back to school (she was very drunk as well) I wont know which one she is, cause I can't tell the difference between her and her twin Anna! Craaaaappp! I guess the one who smiles at me is Kate...haha

Anyway, Elli wasn't too bad either...she had lovely shoes which I wanted to steal, but sadly would never pull off. And Adam, (FIT Adam) was so lovely, and everyone was telling Livs he likes her, cause he BLATANTLY does but she wouldnt listen or do anything...I hope it happens soon cause they're so SWEET! wheeeeep!

Ginettish was fabby as usual, and it was great to see Lauren and Livs and James again...James isn't being QUITE so weird as of late, I guess we've had the holidays to get over it and have some time apart after New Years and...well...as with everyone right now, nothing compares to Dominic Gorham *sighs*

I've almost learnt Streets of London on the guitar now, and am very proud of myself cause I did it on my own, without any help from Dom, and I even worked out what G7 and D7 were, and I'm almost able to play F perfectly. Wheeee! I feel like Denise when I sit there and play and sing along...brings me back to the restaurant on Thursday when she was singing and everyone was singing along, and Bob kept turning slightly to look at me as I sang along, and I kept glancing at his back and the back of his neck and the funny little curve thing his hair does at the back...*siiiiigh*

I really have to get over this...

Chris and Eric are here, playing scrabble I think, but Joes not coming over cause he's going out with Fran *blah* and Mary's over watching Leon with Dom...I dunno whats going on with those two. It's like they're together again, but then Dom said they broke up...I'll ask him at some point.
I just remembered when I spoke with Icy about Bob and Spain she told me to ask Dom what he meant when he said "I hoped you heard" when I'd gone into the bathroom on Thursday night...or maybe he said "I thought you heard" I have no idea...what he said or what it meant, so I've gotta ask him, when he's drunk. Cause then it won't be quite so embarrassing.

Kate went today...I always get really upset when shes leaving, cause she's really upset and you can tell that a part of her's dreading going back, and I just want to hug her forever and tell her she's my twin soul, and look at the pics of Spain and giggle about Bob and Tim, and help her when she's upset about Jack and just be like we were last Summer with Ciana in Eddie Rockets Diner...where it wasn't like we were sisters, it was like we were friends...

She said I have to go up during study leave, and I will if I have time before my drama practicals...Oh shit...they're so soon. Oh crap crap crap! I need to sodding design the lighting, but we havent even got a play yet! I'm meant to have diagrams and plans and know how I want them rigged...but we've only got 2 scenes! Shit shit shit! Although, I'm glad I'm doing this and not acting, that'd be so much more stressful...wheeeeeeeep.

Okay, so, list of work I've gotta do before Wednesday!

Greek: Learn that tonne of words on the vocab sheet, go through the practice sentences and listen to that damned tape.
Biology: The two impossible practice papers that I tried today, and failed, even with the sodding revision guide
Chemistry: The industrial sciences questions...which I've lost
Maths: Those two papers, only one of which I can find
Drama: Acting essay on a performance we've seen (I dont know what to doooo!)
Drama: Azdak Essay (Oh crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!)
Art: All my prep for my GCSE, my evaluation and gallery trips...shit!
Drama:Lighting designs and diagrams and plans...Meep...
German: Prepare for practice oral on 4th May

I also have to call Nina and ask if there was any joy with Work Experience with the lighting dude at the Hackney Empire...Ack, I hate asking so much of her! :(

First thing to do...become more organised and FIND things!
Oh great...my pastas overdone...theres nothing I hate more than sloppy pasta...except maybe Katie Melua *suitcases!*

~JamJar xxx
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Some random Dolores Keane song playing in the kitchen!
16 April 2004 @ 04:42 pm

How random are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

Hide the strawberries indeedydoodliy!

Me and Izzie got very drunk last night...

I rang Andy, and suprised myself, but probably wasn't very helpful as I just giggled drunkenly with Izzie into his answer phone. I'm not actually sure if I said who it was...which could be confusing. Wheep....nevermind, I'm sure he'll work it out. I didn't quite convey how worried I was though, cause I was too busy trying not to slur my words.

We were genius'...me and Izzie I mean. I went to dinner with my family and then walked down to meet Izzie, Ali and Oli in Burger King. I was gonna have Malvin and Adam escort me cause it was the Angel at night (my parents worry, not me lol) but I thought that might be slightly intimidating seeing as Adam is all of 6"5 or summin stupid like that. Anyway, we walked onto Sammy's party and I was totally confused seeing as I got there half way through and lots of stuff had happened and Sammy was stressed. Izzie rang her mum and they had just left the restaurant anyway, so decided to come pick us up then instead of when it finished cause it would save the trip. So we stole lots of coke (which was the only thing left to drink)and went back to my house. No one was in, and luckily I had my key (phew) so we ran inside, laughed lots and looked in the drinks cupboard. Izzie got us two pint glasses and I poured some very inaccurate double shots of Jack D. Mine was very strong...my judgmenet seems to go when I've had a bit to drink. Mwhahaha...anyway, we watched Love Actually and ate bagels and then had some fun with my sword and took random photos (oh god..thats gonna be interesting to get them developed!) and erm....I can't really remember. Well, rang Andy obviously. And wrote some hilarious drunken messages on my xangaphone. Wheeeeep.

Anyway....I wasn't meant to write any of this at all. I was just meant to put the quiz results and the comment about strawberries. I get carried away though. Obviously.

I dreamt about Bob last night...it was a very random dream. Its annoying cause I can't really remember it, but every now and again I'll get flashes and this wonderful warm feeling inside me but then they'll be gone in a second and I'll struggle to remember it. I do remember the dream I had just before I woke up though. There was this disease thing going round, and me and Kate got it, and we only had 23 breaths left before we wouldnt breathe anymore and would die, and we were trying to run round and say goodbye and tell everyone what they meant to us and that we loved them and thank them for everything. We ran upstairs to Kates room and looked in the alcove for two asthma pumps but there werent any. We had far more than 23 breaths, and I didnt actually die cause I woke up, but I remember trying to make every breath I took really small.

It mustve sounded weird if I was breathing like that normally.

I have so much work to do. I found my slip reminding me of my German practice oral on Tuesday next week...4th May...Bob's B day actually...He'll be 17 and I'll still be left behind at 15 until sodding July.

Oh shit it, it's 4:55...I've gotta leave at around 6:30 to get to Laurens and then Livvys...I really dont wanna go. Baaaah.
At least mums coming to pick me up... afterwards so I wont have to get the night bus back...I wouldnt usually mind but I'll be wearing a short skirt (shock horror) and dont wanna be hanging round Finsbury Park waiting for a 106 dressed like that at 11pm...

I'm gonna go...I've got such urges to read Bryter Layter, so I might for about 30 mins, just skip to my fav parts, and then I'll go get ready.
I'm still feeling sick everytime I eat. I've had this since before we went to Spain and I really wish it would go away cause I used to look forward to meals and now I just don't.

They say if you can't eat you're in love...but this was going on before Spain so somehow I don't think its that ;)...*sighs slightly* I need to get over this...
I'm planning on putting this on my xanga on Tuesday, cause it will be exactly 10 days...but I'll put it here now, cause I just want to show some of how I'm feeling...still..
Man I'd give anything for a plane ticket to Galway right now.

"You have only been gone 10 days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again,
Whether far or soon,
But I need you to know, that I care,
And I miss you..."

Good old Incubus...
~Only Me x
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Incubus-I Miss You
13 April 2004 @ 02:24 pm
Dom Dom Dom Dom
BOBing along,
BOBing along
On the bottom of the beautiful shiiiiny sea.

He told me why he was called Ho-He (*cracks up* now THAT was a cute story*) but he didn't quite know why he was called Bob. He said it was cause when Matti was little he couldnt say Dominic and said Domibob...Blah. Photos come back tmrw. Should be interesting. I might just sit in my room and look at them all day.

Here's a quiz to take my mind off him and that holiday. I preferred it the way it was before. The childhood obsession based on vague memories of dark eyes looking up at me in a game of torture in King's in Roundstone, and getting on so well with him on Inis Boffin...but now. Now I have a week of non-stop memories. Conversations, looks, hugs, drunken nights and marriages...In the words of Icy Ashmore...BAG!

Anyway, here is the quiz, I'll stop moping now.

Time you started? 14:31
Full Name? Jesica Emer Molloy
Sex? F
Birthday? July 7th
Astrological sign? Cancer
Siblings and their names? My 19 year old sister Kate and my 17year old brother Dom (not the Dom I was talking about up there...cause that would be sick and wrong!)
Hair color? Very dark brown, and currently with red highlights
Eye color? Hazel Green
Height? 5' 8''
Age? 15
Nickname? God could I even be bothered? No, theres too many
Parents names? Val and Declan
Tattos? nope
Piercings? ears
Do you like your job? yeh, it's fantastic seeing as it doesnt exist
School you are in? City of London School

Who are your top three girlfriends? Izzie, Isy annnddd...erm...hrmmm...I'd like to say Lydia but for some reason I also wanna say Miss Laura Phoenix!
Who are your top three guyfriends? Jack, Andy and Kyle (and Ryan, but it's only 3 *wails*)
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no..
If you could go out with anyone who would it be? Dominic Gorham...
Do you wanna get married? yup
Do you have good parents? mostly

Where is your favorite place to shop? H&M
what kind of shoes do you like best? trainers, comfy ones
What brand of tennis shoes do you like best? er...
What is your favorite thing in your closet? Errm...My Levi's twisters, or just any pair of jeans, and my grey hoodie or green zip up jumper.
What are you wearing right now? Twisters, blue fire converses, blue Ghostbusters Tshirt and my sisters bluey/grey zip up jumper thing which I stole while shes away on Rowing Camp mwhahaha

Do you do drugs? Nope but Izzies gonna get me to *snorts*
Have you ever tried drugs? Nope
Do you drink? as often as I can which is often
What kind of shampoo do you use? Aussie, Sunsilk, Neutrogena, Toni and Guy
What are your favorite sports? Table Tennis *snort* netball, volleyball, figure skating and gymnastics
What are you most scared of? heights, spiders, the sea, losing people
What are you listening to right now? Coldplay-Warning sign
What car do you wish to have? Shelby Mustang GT-500 *drool*
Where do you wanna get married?...I dunno...somewhere where I'm happy. Ireland would be fun, if it was sunny.
What color is your bedroom carpet? I through it out, just got floor boards now.
What is on your walls? photos all round my bed, photocopies of my face and Laurens face, LOTRs posters, FF posters, Art posters, pictures, my notice board, lyrics umm...thats all I can think of
Last movie you saw? Gothika, yesterday, I'm suprised I slept last night *meep*
Last person you went to dinner with? *smiles slightly* Everyone in Spain
If you could dye your hair any color what would it be? Errm...black?
Whats the first thing you do in the morning? go back to sleep
Where do you want to live when you get older? London or Ireland
What hand do you write with? right
Whats under your bed? a dead rabbit. sorry...that was random no erm...my keyboard and a load of crap that mum tried to tidy up but couldnt.
What do you do when you are bored? write in xanga, listen to music, read, complain, watch tv, go on HC, go see a film.
What is your pet peeve? arrogant people, hypocrites, erm...people who take my strawberries! Nah just messin

Kissed your cousin? on the cheek is all
Bungee jumped? ouch...no
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Hahaha...I was a sneaky child. I did it when my dads car got towed away at Gatwick airport and the guard guy felt sorry for me.
Been convicted of a crime? convicted, no
Kissed in front of your parents? I don't think so...
Went toilet papering? nope
Snuck out? yup
Been in a car wreck? not a bad one
Laughed for no reason at all? so it seems to other people
Ran away? Haha, down my road
Broken someone's heart? yes
Been in love? isnt that always the question?
Cried when someone died? yes
Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have? All the time
Broken a bone? nope
Lied? It's complusive...but then I should be lying all through this and technicaly I should have said I never lie if I'm a complusive liar...hahaha...I'll shuddup.
Fallen asleep in class? what's a class? School? what is this crazy thing you talk of?
Started a conversation with a complete stranger? rarely, i'm too shy
Did something that you knew would hurt another person? yes
Called someone just to hear their voice? lots
Told a very private secret? only when necessary

Who do you cry with? Izzie or Isy
Who do you go to for advice? Izzie, Isy or Jack or Andy...I don't usually ask though. Pride is a problem
The nicest? well they're all nice, otherwise they wouldnt be my friends!
Most likely to end up in prison? Hmm...interesting. I'm not too sure.
Best voice? Ella
Fun to hang out with? All of them
Least likely to grow up? Me
Best kisser? Haha, well I can only say Jack really can't I, cause quite frankly...well...lets just say I hope Alistairs improved.
Get married first? Catherine Farnsworth apparently *shakes her head looking bemused*
Be a movie star? Izzie but only a part time one cause she'll also be a dedicated doctor ;)

Spring break? Spain and Bob
Summer? IRELAND!!! NEWQUAY!!! FESTIVALS!!! BOB!!! wheeee
Red? strawberries
White? chalk and Kate writing drunk in chalk on my jumper in the bar
Black? night
Friday night? Art and relaxing
New school year? 6th form!
Christmas? IRELAND! (I hope)
Snow? balls, fun fun

What would you change? So many things. Mostly ignorant things I said and did...at the moment I wouldnt have got up from the sofa with Bob when I heard Dom say that, and I wouldn't have let things go back to normal in the morning.
Who would you have broken up with? hmm...Jack (Raven not Jack jack...this was my early online years lol)
Who would you have gone out with? BOB!

Coke or Pepsi? pepsi...at cinemas
Sprite or 7up? DEW! sorry...
Girls or Guys? men
Flowers or Candy? hmmm...strawberries
Scruffy or Clean Shaven? depends on the guy
Quiet or Loud? once again, depends. Both...Bob's both...*sigh*
Blondes or Brunettes? doesnt bother me
Tall or Short? tall!
Shorts or Pants? pants

What do you notice first? clothes, hair, face, shoes and eyes
Last person you slow danced with? *snorts* well I waltzed with my dad, but was cunningly trying to reach Bob
Worst question to ask? Is your friend single?

Last time you showered? yesterday before I went out
Had fun with the opposite sex? Spain last week

Your good luck charm? my lump of amethyst Lydz gave me and told me to look after as if it were a tiny little catterpillar.
The person you hate the most? There are a few people I don't get along with...I HATE Katie Melua though. I'd go to a concert to throw a brick at her. Grrr.
Best thing that happened to you today? well this morning (2am ish) I spoke to Kyle, but since I woke up...I had a box of strawberries? Lol erm...I made Isy spit water all over her keyboard *cracks up* I finally bought the photos in...and whether I like it or not, I'll get them tmrw.

Color? I like most colours. Green and Blue are very pretty tho.
Movie? ACK! Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, POtC, any LoTRs, Usual Suspects...eeep Films are just so GOOD!
Subject in school? drama
Ice cream? Cookie dough or rasberry ripple *drools*
Holiday? Summer
Breakfast food? strawberries or weetos, or in Ireland, toast!
Number? 5
Food? strawberries, roast potatoes...roasts in general are good.
Girls name? Faye, Abby, Aryana (yeh so I'm sad...)
Animals? Big cats! Erm...penguins, turtles and everything like them, dogs, cats, horses, hamsters...dolphins, seals, zebras...haha...I'm an animal lover.
Celebrity? I like many ;)
Day of the Week? Saturday
Flower? lily of the valley, tiger lily, white lily, irises
TV show? THE OC!! ER, Buffy, Malcolm in the Middle, Smallville erm...yeh, TVs good.
Thing to do on the weekend? sleep, go out to a club, get drunk, party, watch a film, avoid homework

Makes you laugh the most? Izzie and Grace, Lydia erm...Dom, Bob and Matti, John *shakes her head* oh Caimna! Cracks me up everytime...and though I've only met him once, that George guy was the most hilarious person ever.
Makes you smile? Mickey, Bob, Izzie, Isy, Abby, Laura, Kyle, Jack, Andy, Ryan, Lydz...all my friends make me happy and therefore I smile.
Gives you a funny feeling when you see them? *wants to throw up* Bob...
Who do you have a crush on? BOB!
Who can make you feel better no matter what? Izzie and Isy
Who has it easier girls or guys? well I've been debating that since I was little...but I guess guys.

Sit by the phone waiting for a call? If I'm expecting one from a minute earlier.
Save internet conversations? I used to save every single one...then I lost them all, now only occasionally.
Save emails? mostly
Wish you were somebody else? Oh yes
Time you finished? 15:16, and that was with interruptions from Ashmore! lol

Blah, took my mind off it for a while, apart from the fact that every other word there is BOB! Bah...

My hair is so soft today...feels almost light haha, yeh like that could ever happen. I could clothe an entire family with the amount of hair on my head...although clothes made out of hair isnt such a nice thought.
Dum di dum...

Might go read...chill out, listen to the radio, sleep, watch tv...I love the holidays!
I should be working...but Mum hasn't seemed to cop on yet. Which is bizarre. Hmm...makes me feel really unmotivated actually. I guess I do need her on my back to get me started, after that I'm dandy.
I'll be off now...to dream and think and moan and wail and flap my arms about everywhere in distress. 4 MONTHS! The summer in Ireland better be fucking amazing. *GRUMBLE*
okay...I go

~Over and Out x
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Coldplay-Warning Sign
02 April 2004 @ 03:51 am
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, oh apart from the great tired lump of Jess and her constant clicking of the keyboard and mouse and dialling of the phone.
I WANT THIS TO BE RESOLVED!! We said we'd give up at 3am if no one had tickets, but then Grace and Loser got some...so I'm carrying on even though I'm sure everyone else is now asleep...I'm so close, but so far!

I just want to go to some sort of Festival this summer with my friends, is that too much to ask for? Izzie has tickets for me and her to Reading now, and I mean we'll probably go there seeing as Glastonbury tickets are refundable to Lou and Grace can just cancel theres. I hate giving up...but I really need to be able to get up to be in school at 9am tmrw...

I'd like to point out that I'm now on Easter Holidays yet I'm going in to school for 9am for an extra super long Greek lesson. 9am till 2:30pm...but, I'm leaving at 12:30 cause me and mum are going shopping...although she obviously doesnt want to and so wont be a pleasure. She seems to think I revel in going shopping, when really, I HATE it. Especially when it's necessary cause I need stuff for holidays like now. It's so stressful. Blaaah!

Izzie, Grace, Lydia and me had a 4 way phone convo, and it was the best thing ever! I say we should do it all the time, cause with my conference call button you can have as many people as you like! We could have the whole gang on one phone call...
but that would get confusing and I'd just end up laughing hysterically for ages like me and G did tonight.
Ah...well...it's said there arent enough tickets for my requested number twice now, and told me to try again until more have been reallocated...so if it says it one more time then I'm gonna go to bed. it's 3:58 now and I said I'd stop at 4 so...yeh...
Night everyone!
~Sleepy Me xxx (well actually I'm not that sleepy, I just know I should be. I could sit up for a few more hours if I wasn't so tense about mum hearing me! Or dad coming down for one of his random middle of the night trips!)
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Tonic-If you could only see...veeeerrrry quietly!
30 March 2004 @ 05:24 pm
I cleverly managed to dump a virus on my computer last night by opening an e mail from someone I didnt know. It's just sods law that the one time I open an e mail that isnt from someone I know or subjected "Homework for lesson 1" I get about 50 lovely viruses. Good thing I'm in a productive mood and am stubborn enough to delete every single thing that shouldn't be on Squall. (Squall is my pretty new comp btw...he's new to viruses, and handling them very well!)

All our files in Kazaa now have 70 random files plus the songs we want in them so I have over 17000 pieces of software on Kazaa Lite *sigh* Squall keeps freezing if I try and delete them in bulk so I'm having to do it manually. Good thing I have no work today eh?

The lyrics of the day yesterday were from Phantom Planet's (the OC theme tune people, yay!)"Lonely Day" and they fitted today as well, but were perfect for yesterday. They go a little something liiiiike this!

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It's gonna be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't
go back to bed
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as
can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day
I could tell from the minute I woke up it's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely
lonely day.

I got up at 5am yesterday and finished my history and did some of my year book page and I dunno...it was quiet and lonely...
Art was...blah. It was going well but Miss Brown just kept standing behind me and not saying anything. Usually she comments on bad things and good things, but she was just silent. Made me really confused and I thought that maybe she was a bit intimidated by my piece. It was just a lot of white wood when I took it home and then came back on Monday with windows and miniture beds stuck round it everywhere. Maybe it was a shock...I dunno.

Anyway, so I was sorta up and down for that whole day. I managed to get quite a lot done though, despite wasting hours in the Dark Room with Izzie singing at the top of our lungs. We did that again today, but were rudely interrupted by Britney Spears which was being played next door in the drama studio. We danced round to that instead though.

I almost cried several times in art today...not cause I was stressed about getting it finished (which I didnt) but because I had no motivation and I didn't know what Miss Brown thought of it and then when I had it outside to spray paint the mirror she was sitting looking at it for ages while I wasnt there. She finally decided to speak to me about it then though, and said she thought the blue in the corner was too imposing, which I agreed with, but she didnt seem to understand that it was going to be covered up with things. gah. I told her that 3 times! She didn't like the matress material either. I dont particularly like it, but its the best I could find and I cut it all to shape and stuck it down and I can't be bothered to rip it up. She said the best parts of it were when it was flat and spaced out, which I tried to disagree with her on, but she started ripping the metal poles off it saying she wante me to red-do the background.

Keep in mind this was about 10 mins until the end of the day and the end of my exam *GRUMBLES!* stupid woman, she just doesn't listen!

I cant explain to you the frustration that burns inside me whenever I'm around that bloody woman. She's just so unhelpful and ART TEACHER LIKE. Gah!

And last night Kate told mum she didn't want to go to Spain. I hate it when she does this. She just has this power to make the entire house moody and depressed and stressed. She says she's got too much work to do cause she's going to Rowing Camp the day after we get back from Spain or something. It's such shit, she's just stressed about seeing Tim when things are weird between her and Jack, and she also hates swimming costumes and doesn't wanna get burnt. I suppose I dont have to worry about getting burnt, but the swimming costume thing has been pressing on my mind for more reasons than one recently, but I get over it.

Whenever she's away, things are okay, but she'll suddenly ring up close to tears and someone will ask whats wrong but she wont say, she'll just say she wants to come home. So we all get worried and stressed out and snappy and upset cause we hate it when shes upset and wonder what could possibly be so bad that she says things like "I hate this and I dont wanna be here anymore". But then, 2 hours later she'll ring up and say, "Dont worry, I wont come down, I'm okay" but still sound upset, so for some reason we all end up feeling like the bad guys even though we've done nothing wrong. And whenever she's back for the holidays she's a moody bitch most of the time and just makes the whole house gloomy but moping around and shooting death stares at everyone and shouting about the tinyest thing so we all have to walk on egg shells.
I dunno...sometimes I just hate having her around. But then others I miss her lots...

I guess none of this will make sense cause it's me getting too angry to form my thoughts fast enough for my fingers so I just type everything at once. Blah...
And I guess you can never quite understand the things Kate does unless you lived with her, or the way she can change everyones mood just by sighing, or how UTTERLY LONELY life can be when you're in an art room even though there's people all around you, or how amazingly frustrating the art department at my school are...without experiencing it from my point of view...

CSI's on tonight at least...and I dont have any homework...and it's the last day of term tmrw...and the house quiz SEEMS to be organised without me (weird) and in 4 days I'll see Mickey...and all the Moorcrofts and possibly Bob. I'll see Bob for certain in 5 or 6 days. God...I'm so scared, but also just SO excited. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I really hope Kate comes...Mum will be so stressed about wanting to keep her happy and dad will get angry cause we've booked the flights and organised everything and she ALWAYS tries to back out of holidays at the last minute and it's never pretty...

Ah well...
Best get on with my deleting I suppose!
Toodleloo chaps...*smiles*
~Me x
Current Mood: productiveproductive
Current Music: The Sweet Serenade of Right Click-Delete
22 March 2004 @ 05:52 pm
Where to start?

Mr Bachelor was at the dentist this morning, so Lucy asked everyone to come down at Lunch to say G'bye to him. He didn't seem too scared or anything like he has been recently, but he said some really nice things. He got his "Zippy" toy from Rainbow and squeezed it's stomach which made it say "You know I'm really very clever" and then launched into how he had always been amazed by the "City Mentality" and the way we put ourselves down if we get an A/A* instead of just an A*...which I suppose is true. He told us we were all very clever and that he was proud to have taught us (but just not as concisely as I put it there). Everyone was cheering, and stamping their feet on the tiered seating and stuff...the entire school wasnt there but there was easily half. Twas nice...I can't believe he's going to Iraq...But I guess he won't be doing much as he's only in the TA...still...

Anyway, Kate tried downloading the next few episodes of The O.C (cause the one on Sunday was simply FABBY) but they wouldn't play properly, so I'll just have to wait till next Sunday *growls*

We might be going out to After School on Saturday again, but Lydz and Louise wouldnt be coming I don't think cause they had a crap time there last weekend. I hope we don't get ID'd cause I STILL haven't got round to getting a proper one other then my passport yet, and they might not accept that. MEEP. Ah well...dum di duuumm

Today was good...better than most Mondays. I only got annoyed with a few people and was only mean to about half my friends. *smiles sadly* Dunno why I'm always so unbelievably moody on Monday's...must be all the 5 periods of Science I guess, and the fact that I'm not in bed asleep. I hardly worked at all today though. Only in double Biology...which wasn't that much work, and I sang lots with Hannah, and then I went on some MWPP fanart sites in History cause everyone was doing their coursework and I decided not to. It made my heart ache though, like it does everytime I see anything to do with Sirius and the Marauders...and then in English (because Mrs Guest wasn't there...we had no teacher :D) I was just in a different place completely. My mind kept wondering and everything everyone said sounded really far away.

It's annoying...how much I'm affected by things. The weather, music, things I see for a split second.

I really shouldn't read Sirius fics, or look at Marauders sites and shrines...cause it makes me cry. Actually cry. I can be as happy as Larry and then with one look at a Sirius fic or poem or picture, I'll be reduced to tears and be sad for a very long time. I hate it. And I'm just about getting over hating her for doing it...but I guess I never really hated her, cause she herself cried when she wrote it. *hugs her arms to herself*

Matt was really affecting me today as well, I kept seeing glimpses of him in school everywhere, and then when I was wondering round on my own when everyone had gone home (I was in that annoying state where I can't be bothered to actually go home and I don't want to walk cause I'm really shivery and I get stuck in school cause I can't decide on the quickest way to get to a tube station...*grumble* I hate it) I saw him come out of his room, and he was texting on his mobile, and his hat was covering his hair (or lack of...)and he looked like he did two weeks ago and I wanted to sit down and cry cause I hate the way I fall for people I can NEVER have. Matt's, what, 30? Sirius is NOT REAL, every person my heart ache's over is bloody fictional. Well that's not entirely true, but the people I become obsessive over are just not real *sighs and drums her fingers*

I'm gonna stop thinking about it, and read a fic. I should do some art really...and my German and learn my Greek but...meh...I'll do it later.

Sorry I haven't updated here in a while, I bet you've all been dying of boredom without my oh so witty entries *coughs* Yeh...I'll be off then *gets her coat*

~I'm the fifth Marauder! x
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Phantom Planet-California
Aryana in Love Probably
Managing to play every heart-string, this age-old journey, set in medieval times, depicts sceptics, will (Heath Ledger) and alisa_nj (Claire Danes), who find themselves on the run from the law due to the fact that a destructive catalyst has been dreamed up by his accident-prone sister, izzie (Emilie François). Treat yourself, don't see this movie.
15 March 2004 @ 07:37 pm
Blah my mum and dad and idiotic opinionated brother are having a massive fight about iraq and how mum doesn't want me to go on the tube to school anymore after the bombing in Madrid and ra de ra ra. It was fine at first but now voices are raised for no reason and I have a headache anyway so soon I might just shout at them all too...
Dom's so stubborn and thinks he's clever cause he does ecomonics *dramatic sigh* He's gonna be hell to live with when he;s at uni...but he wont be living here will he? So that's okay...he can rant to his friends instead *cackles* Economics and Philosophy? He'll never stop talking!

Dum di dum,
anyway, the point of this was to say I've stolen this from Gwynnie :D well...and Putty, cause I saw she'd done it too so I thought I'd give it a try. So here you are, that funky name thing!

If you call me Jessica, you're either taking the piss or don't know me that well.
If you call me Jess, you know me well and know I don't like my name.
If you call me J, you are my best friend Izzie, or Grace on a random day.
If you call me or ever have called me Sunny, you know me through VWOHP
If you call me Aryana or Ary, you know me from Hogwarts College.
If you call me Mad-Eye-Ary, you are purplellamaboi.
If you call me Airy-Fairy or Ary Pary you are Icy!
If you call me Jessers, you are Ryan.
If you call me Boots you are my dad.
If you call me by any of my pets' names, my dad's name or my siblings' names, usually one after the other in rapid succession before getting the right name (FelixDecDomKateJess!), you are my mother.
If you call me Bess-Bum in an annoying voice and then go on to sing bess-bum boodleoodleoodleoodle whatchama bess-bum boo bess-bum boo, you are my brother.
If you call me Acissej, you are my sister, who insists on speaking backwards.
If you call me Molloy you are Tamar Burton.
If you call me Jammy you are an alpha who doesn't know me well enough to know I hate that now...or you're just Livvy and you like annoying me.
If you call me Jessy then you are Dessy or Lis.
If you call me Squishy or Monkey then...you know who you are ;)

Aww crap, I've forgotten how to do HTML. I hate the way that certain things slip from my mind if I don't practice them often. I could do it if I could REALLY be bothered to try, but right now...I can't, so...it won't be pretty. Alas, alack...talking of which, I should go learn my Greek.
I dunno why I say that, Alas Alack...I usually go on to alarmis alartis alant, which is some messed up form of the imperfect (or something) in Latin. Yeh! Bam bas bat barmis bartis bant.

I always think of many things when I say Alas. Firstly Alas alack. Then Alas earwax! Then alas, 4 sickles and a dung bomb (Potter Puppet Pals, the best thing since fizzing whizbees and dew!) and then alas, hoi moi, hoi polloi! More greek! OiOi!
Rar I'm in such a random bored mood. My knees playing up for some reason. I think it's gonna rain tmrw cause it's aching like it does before it rains. Damn arthritis!...did I even spell that right? It was acting up when I went up the stairs at Liverpool Street today, it clicked everytime I stepped up a step. Felt like it was gonna dislocate or sprain again. I really should have got it checked out when I sprained it last christmas. Dangnabit! Dum di dum...
I'm gonna go! Yay I hear you say...yes...I suspect. Well...so...ahem.
~Roar, I'm a Lion. LEO the Lion goes GER (Loss of Electrons means Oxidation, Gaining Electrons means Reduction!...yes I am a chemistry genius...cracking reacion gromit!)
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: The Rasmus-In the Shadows
06 March 2004 @ 09:49 pm
Last night was fabby. Not the best night ever, infact it started pretty shitty, but it ended up just dandy. I love using -y adjectives! I almost called them ad-verbs but then realised that would be plain wrong.

To myself...I sound quite drunk, but I think it's just cause I spoke to Ink on the phone and I'm so overly tired my overdrive has gone into wacko drive. I'm not hungover so I think I can safely say the alchohol (have I spelt that wrong? I can't spell today! Whats wrong with me...it looks so wrong! 3 wrongs in one parenthesis...I rule!) has left my system...mostly.

There wasnt much to drink at sophies, but there was a funny moment when I was with Ben and I looked at him drinking his smirnoff ice, and he looked at me drinking my beer and we were like, "heeey...that's not right." I couldn't drink more than 2 smirnoff ices. They're too fizzy to down (I hate fizzyness) and taste just like lemonade but sickeningly sweet. Lauren Barnes bought some wine though, which I stole from annabel. Mwhahaha...I have no idea how Lydia managed to get so wasted, it really was an achievement.

I'm really worried that we acted badly though...cause there was such a random mix of people it sorta got divided. We were all sitting upstairs in sophies room (by we I mean...argh...I'll list them just to show I can remember things! Me, Izzie, Grace, Louser, Fred, Claud and Lizzie and Ella (before they left), Lydia, Simon, Ben, Shuv, Alice, Noemi, James (before he left). Richard was dancing mostly, and Donal was up there a bit but he was down with Leo, Felix and Daniel as well...Anyway!) Downstairs were all Sophies other friends, Catherines C and F, Annabel, Katie, Annie, Caitlin...Bah I cant be fucked with names...basically there was a divide, and we made crap attempts at socialising but failed, cause we werent in the mood. We ended up reading sugar and cosmo girl and 19 (which is what Lizzie said we would do earlier that day!)

I have to go out...so I'll finish this later, adios!

I am back! Just seen Lost in Translation (finally!) with Izzie, and now Dom's gone out to the video shop to get a film for me him and Nick to watch. Man, I think I might overdose on film watching tonight! It really is becoming a passion, and apparently all I do is go to the cinema...which is...well...true. That and get drunk and dance wildly. Wheee Life is great. Problem though...why did I decide to up the pace of my social life now, when I'm meant to be working hardest? Real bright idea eh?

Anyway...LiT was gooooood...me and Ink just sat there during the credits, talking quietly with my head on her shoulder and her head on my head. The Odeon people were sitting waiting for everyone to clear out and the lights came on before we left the actual screen. Meh...twas fun. The last film to do that to me (not including RoTK cause Ive simply been too distraught to move at the end of that film) was Veronica Guerin, cause it had a proper message...this was...just what I needed. I took loads of Lynx "Touch" postcards with samples on the back to wipe on my brother...just for shits and giggles, ya know.

Yay, Dom's gonna get the Italian Job...I've been thinking bout seeing that for ages now cause I missed it when it was in the cinema....ooooh no, apparently it's not out yet, so we're gonna watch City of God instead. FINALLY! I've seen the first half at James' but everyone turned it off and I've wanted to see the rest for SO long. *dances round* dandy!

Anyway...I was standing at the bus stop admiring the moon and wanting to share it with someone...so I did. Called Iz and told her to look up at the sky. Shared a moment, twas nice. Moon was so pretty, white and full, and all the clouds round it were slightly purply. They were thick but thined out as they got to the centre, nearer the moon, and then there was a hole in the thick lid of clouds which the sun was shining through...so impossible to describe...you'd really have to have seen it.

Listened to Vertical Horizon on the way back...Grey Sky Morning was repeated a few times... the lyrics"You're only the best I've ever had" stuck in my head for a very long time. Hugged my knees and made the bus seat dirty...whoops. Not like it was clean anyway.

So then...yesterday. Speant a lot of the time in the garden after we moved out of Sophie's room. There was this guy there called George who was an ABSOLUTE joker. Everything he said had us all on the floor...I don't think I've ever met anyone as funny, though John Moorcroft comes very close. His friend Olli was really nice as well, he kept leaning on the back of my chair and his jumper smelt nice. I couldn't see Izzie cause Grace was on her lap, but I knew she was there...unnaturally quiet. I guessed she was just content *smiles slightly* dunno...So it was a party, we did partyish things. George locked Lou and Fred outside and threw the key somewhere in the kitchen, before leaving. We all had to look for it, and I found it in the end, but this random guy whos name I didnt find out grabbed them off the floor and said he was the hero and wouldnt let me open the door. Goddamn! Lou thought he'd found them for a long time until me and Grace explained to her the truth at the bus stop *beams* I did something else clever that night...can't remember what. Maybe it was finding Twister under the chair. *shrugs*

So we got back to Louises, singing Libertines and White Stripes and most things on the bus, and then me and Donal walked behind Lou and Fred trying to get everyone to form a line as if we were the VonTrap children...but no one played our game :( We had fun an Lousers house...can't remember what we did exactly...had lots of vodka and played Twister and everyone jumped on the trampoline while I sat on the bench and talked with Shuv bout...*thinks* Camden? maybe...dunno...she said she needed to get in cause she hadnt really applied anywhere else.

So we had a fun night, which included playing wink murder.BEST GAME EVER! Izzie killed me though *wails* Fred and Shuv were fucking brilliant detectives...such jokers.

Fell asleep on the sofa in the TV room to the sound of Lydias very loud scottish cab woman on the other end of her mobile and woke up early in sirius pain as my neck had cramped from being in a painful position. Saw Donal was still asleep and no one else was there so I went back to sleep. Woke up later when Izzie came in and watched Crystal maze with her and Donal. I love that program, we always watch it at Louises after a night out. Followed by none other than Takeshi's castle of course! *dances* Gotta love challenge tv!

Went out to the local Greasy Spoon, Bliss Cafe, had toast and chips and milkshakes and then went our seperate ways. Grace, Izzie, Lou and me went back to Lousers and then grace went home. We stayed and watched friends videos and then left together, saying g'bye to Louser.

Was a good night...started badly, feeling unsociable and lonely, but once we met some more people and George started talking I was laughing a hell of a lot more. I texted Andy lots and asked if he was okay...he said he was and asked if I was. That's what he always does, diverts the attention and worry from him. *huggles andy* gotta love him. Hope you are okay Andy, like I said before, text me if you wanna talk!

Justine had to get me water to wake me up cause I was falling asleep on my hands when she was trying to explain different ways of drawing graphs. The hour went sooooooo slowly, but eventually mum came to pick me up. I have lots of hypotheses for maths, just need info and graphs now!

I guess that's all I can saaaay really...Gonna go watch the film now. Yay!

Ireland beat England in the rugby though!!*dances round throwing shamrock and green streamers* YEAH BABY! and then Arsenal won 5-1 *cackles* good day for sport, dandy! My dad rang me up to tell me bout Ireland, high on drugs and high on happiness. It had definitely cheered him up I think! *smiles* was nice to hear him so happy after last week. Ireland beat the world cup winning England rugby team *shakes her head and laughs* great stuff!

Anyway...I will be off now. Leave me comments and love!!

Stay safe kiddos (although your all older than me....hhhm...)

~Me xxx
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Reactor-Good Feeling